The Longest Journey

Eating Disorder Not

2011-07-31T02:09:00.003-07:00

So I saw the eating disorder specialist in a faraway North London Hospital and she spent all the time filling in information on her computer only to determine after one pertinent question that I do not have an eating disorder. (The question was 'do you binge eat often?')

My GP began weighing me up and asked me to keep a diary of my eating. Then she sat with me and told me what to swap with what. I did not like lots of her suggestions. She said to buy oily fish like salmon but salmon is too expensive. She said to forget about butter and sugar and use sweeteners instead and she told me to swap 1.5% fat milk with non-fat milk and white bread with brown bread or oats.

I tried to modify my diet and ended up GAINING weight whilst feeling bloated (my body swells up when eating fibres as it cannot break them down.)

The GP said she will re-refer me to UCLH and that their declining me surgery was not good enough, especially since they didn't back their decision up with hard facts. I feel it is a bit pointless to go down that route again but I cannot stop her. I asked her if she can arrange for someone to accompany me to the next meeting with UCLH because I say one thing, they understand another and it would be good to have an independent party present at the consultation but she said 'no, you'll go on your own.'

I feel like a child who's been told off and is about to throw a strop. LOL

Anyway, I have always maintained that the real problem is the lack of sleep but nobody would listen to me. I have read that you should sleep at least 6 hours uninterrupted for your body metabolism to work. I never sleep 6 hours non stop. I wake up 2-4 times in the night for toilet and sometimes I cannot go back to sleep because my brain fills with worries. It's been going on for so long, I have lost track of when it began.

Suddenly, without any prompting on my behalf, the GP decides to put me on a 'mild antidepressant' that would help me sleep, too. It's called Amitriptyline and they give it to children to wet their beds at night. I was doubtful it would have any effect on me but went along as she said it would be only for two weeks and then we'd review the situation.

Guess what? The drug is working. I do get a bit more sleep with the toilet trips reduced to 1-2. Had to take antibiotics, too, because I had a fall which resulted in my foot getting infected with cellulitis. So for two weeks I had to wake myself up twice at night to take my pills. But even so, I managed to sleep between doses - maybe 5-6 hours. At first I was reluctant to wake up in the morning, feeling tired and needing more sleep. I had a couple of migraines, too. My mouth and throat felt dry and painful. Now I am used to the medicine. I take it around 7 pm and by 10 pm I am falling asleep, sometimes even earlier than that.

The increased sleep has given me more energy so I have done more things around the house which I didn't do before, like empty the dishwasher myself and put the dishes away. Or tidy up the living room. Somehow I have also found the energy to walk in the hospital (instead of being wheeled around by a porter) - yes, it is a slow and painful walk, but I am walking the distance. The hospital receptionists keep encouraging me. 'You walking today? Good, good!'

Yesterday I walked in IKEA. It seemed a daunting task. All I wanted was to check out bedside tables as I need one for my daughter's room. I found the quickest route and hurried my daughter along as she stopped by the children's section to test their toys. My biggest problem is standing. I can hardly stand nowadays. I sat down twice to rest. I pushed my endurance limits. Then I almost gave up. I was tired and thirsty and my girl was hungry and thirsty. I thought I'd never be able to face walking through the furniture storage area. I had to drive the car from the disabled parking near the front entrance to the disabled parking near Returns. I thought someone would be kind enough to pick the unit up for me. I even queued up at the café to pick up a couple of hot dogs and drinks. Luckily we got the only two chairs available (IKEA seems to think it OK to make people eat up standing after a gruesome trail through their shop...) An assistant got the piece of furniture for us and put it through the till. He accompanied us to the car. By that time I was trembling and could hardly walk. But it was done. I had achieved my goal. I had the bedside table in the boot of the car! (Pity my strength did not last enough for me to buy the light and picture frames I needed, but never mind, that is for another trip.)

I was surprised with myself. Lately I haven't had much appetite. OK let's blame the antibiotics ruining my stomach. But is it that simple? Or is there a reaction happening in my body involving the part of my brain that controls hunger? In IKEA, I only ate a jumbo hot dog. No soft drink, no ice cream. I drank water. I felt so full from the first two bites. My gastric band is working as it is meant to. I had to eat slowly and put my food down between bites. It is the same gastric band. But I seem to be unable to circumnavigate its controls. Hurrah!

The GP found me to have lost weight. Of course I said it is probably that the scales used are calibrated differently, that the floor makes a difference to the reading and that the previous reading was incorrect as I was swollen - any excuse rather than believe that I have actually managed to reduce my food intake and increase my activity levels.

But I am not an angel, yet. When we got home, I became hungry around 5 pm and ate a couple of sandwich biscuits to stave my hunger. Later on I cooked some chicken livers and rice and had a bowl of food. I had a glass of mixed fruit juice, too. Much later, I finished up the packet of biscuits and ate a chocolate all on my own. That was sheer stupidity. I didn't need it, nor was I hungry. Maybe part of me is scared to give up snacking. Maybe I am testing myself. I wish I could understand me better.

This morning I had my milky coffee with two IKEA cinnamon buns. I cooked more and would have eaten a third one but my facilitator (my daughter) was busy eating her breakfast and I felt too ashamed to ask her to bring me the last bun. It was for the best. I didn't need it. I am full and satisfied. I am glad I managed to resist the temptation.

I must end my confession here as I need to get ready to go out. Some medicines to pick up and a chance to be out in the fresh air for both of us. We would have gone swimming only it is risky as my daughter had fever last night.

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you! I registered for the gym/pool. It is a specialist centre for people with disabilities (but open to able bodied people, too) so much more accessible than other places and only 10 minutes drive at the most from home.

---

To Marci: I got your note, thank you. I have been too preoccupied with things to concentrate on updating my blog, or contacting people via email. It is sweet of you to remember me and care about my progress. I hope you are doing well, yourself. Kisses.

Easter 2011

2011-05-20T03:00:00.004-07:00

Was in Greece. My relative took me to see my surgeon for a refill. He gave me 1.5 mls. Got home, burped a lot, and in the night I began having reflux which kept me awake. Got in touch, he said take omeprazole (Losec) and come see me if it doesn't go away. Having no one who could drive me to the hospital and not really being able to afford the taxi fares, I waited for a few days and in the end my friend Dafni drove me there to have a negative adjustment. The surgeon told me he was going to take out 1.5 mls. I argued that this is what he had filled the band with and he said 'no, I had given you 2 mls actually.'

This made me so angry! Why would he do this when all medical literature suggests that adjustments have to be small and gradual? Of course I would have had reflux! But you don't know the rest of the story. When I complained of the reflux, he told me the band must have slipped, come have a gastroscopy (which translates to money). I refused. Then he said that I really ought to have a sleeve gastrectomy (because that is the operation that is fashionable at the moment and of course it would bring him loads of money.)

Anyway, back in the UK now and I can eat as much as I used to eat because in actual fact he's taken away all the fluid he had injected, no matter what he is saying. If he had left me with 0.5 ml, I'd feel the restriction, but I have no restriction.

I was taken for a fool so many times! They don't care about me as a person and my health and happiness. All they care about is money. They are ruthless. I know for a fact that a sleeve gastrectomy would not work on me and it has too many risks to make it the option of choice.

Don't really have much hope for the future. I am meeting a specialist in eating disorders at a hospital in London in June. But time is not on my side.

And In Others We See Ourselves

2010-09-26T04:43:00.003-07:00

There is this guy who I met online. He is a big lad, bit younger than me, so instantly I have two reasons not to want to get involved with him. However, he has the sweetest smiling eyes and a rich inner world that it would be a pity to miss just because I am looking at the cover and get caught up in details. (We expect others to accept us as we are, but we rarely afford others the same courtesy, which is probably why most of us spend their lives alone.)

Anyway, we have become friends and are supporting each other in our efforts. What is amazing, however, is how much of me I see in him. By helping him, I feel I am helping myself. I can understand myself better via him. Isn't that strange?

He sent me a photo of him taken at a flattering angle :) I saw the position of his hands and instantly knew he was hiding a big round belly. You can't kid a kidder, as they say! Then I saw some more pics of him on Facebook. He had no idea that his mum had them in her profile and I would never had seen them if he hadn't identified one lady in his profile as 'mum' when making a comment.

I think he was surprised that he had been caught out. Today I went to look at the pics again and noticed he's erased all comments. I felt a bit upset about that. Erasing things smacks of duplicity. Hiding things. Covering one's tracks. Ensuring nobody ever again finds out. Maybe I am naive to let my profile stand as it is, especially since there have been some very depressed comments that I've made in my status. What would people who do not know me make of it? I wonder.

Anyway, this guy is at a very vulnerable position right now and has idolised me. This is not good. He needs to stand on his own two feet and not rely on others for his happiness (says she who has always allowed others to control her happiness!)

I can give him friendship and advice/support but I am not ready to fall in love again. I don't believe in love. I believe in cold, hard facts. Pacts. Contracts. Balancing scales. And of course I still want the best for myself and my daughter.

A Year On

2010-07-31T11:44:00.002-07:00

I was reminded of my blog by a comment from an anonymous reader. So much has happened in a year. I spent the worst winter of my life. My health hit rock-bottom and hospital visits became routine.

Got pneumonia (misdiagnosed as swine flu). Spent 9 or more hours at the A&E and left without a diagnosis, but my GP sorted me out with antibiotics, bless her. Then I had a car crash and my beautiful Renault Laguna was written off. It wasn't my fault. The bike rider was young and inexperienced and I just happened to be in front of him. I learned about the British legal system the hard way. Never, ever give a statement to the police! Never ever fight your case because you'll end up paying much more and get more points. Now I have a criminal record because I was convicted of 'driving without due care and attention' due to a Jewish lady giving false witness. Fantastic, eh? Another gruesome day in my life waiting at the Magistrates' Court all day. Defendants get to sit in hard metal seats in the corridor whereas witnesses get to sit in nice quiet rooms with upholstered armchairs. Not a water fountain anywhere. At least the toilet was clean.

But even the car accident, disrupting as it may have been, could not compare to my GP telling me just before Christmas that they thought I had cancer. I was given a series of tests and eventually was put under the care of the Hematology Dept. at UCLH. Needles, blood tests, PET scans. The last scan was a horrible experience. I had to lie down on a narrow ledge for over an hour and be totally still whilst my body went through the tunnel. I never lie down! My body just can't handle being horizontal or still for more than 5 minutes. So I was in tremendous pain and was crying for the last 15 minutes of the scan, so much that the people had to come in and hold me still and try to keep my spirits up. The scan did not show an uptake of glucose (apparently if you have blood cancer, the cells feed on the glucose and you can see them).

I so needed my family these trying months! But being alone, just me and my kid, my only consolation was food. So I put an incredible amount of weight on in a short period of time. My last weigh in was 188 kgs, I think. So now I am fatter than I was before I did my gastric band operation. But most people who did their banding around the same time as me have also put on weight. Not all of them of course, maybe a couple of people have succeeded, but the rest are struggling. So even an operation is not the end of this journey.

Talking of operations I went to UCLH and saw Mr Adamo who is now the Head of Bariatrics (or so he thinks). He put me in the trouble of visiting him for nothing. Says he sent me a letter to say they won't operate on me but I never got that letter. As I found out later, Mr Adamo only sent the letter to my GP - so disorganised they are at the Bariatrics! What upset me the most was this man's arrogance. He thinks he is God. He just dismissed me without even giving me a reason. I was sat in the wheelchair crying my eyes out thinking that they are leaving me no other option but to fall prey to Greek surgeons in my despair.

Anyway, I am not moaning. I am alive and whilst I breathe, there is hope of a better future. My daughter is growing and I have written two books (well one was written years ago but had a touch-up this winter.) I haven't submitted them to a publisher, yet, because I don't have the confidence. The more I read books written by master storytellers, the more I cringe at my efforts :) But one day... maybe... who knows?

The Evil Eye

2009-06-21T12:59:00.004-07:00

Bruce split up with me on Friday :( Although I had the feeling he'd do that, it came out of the blue. He has not offered a satisfactory explanation (the things he said that would bother him in the long run were all things that he knew of right from the start).

I have been feeling very down. A wasted weekend in the solitude of my four walls. My aches have returned. My will to live is diminishing.

I have been eating... not proud of it, but what do you do when there is nothing else to hold on to?

That man promised so many things and I foolishly believed him. I suppose it was just another ploy to get to a vulnerable female. Who knows what secrets he's been hiding! It does not matter that I was going to end it because his stinginess and bad breath annoyed me - it is no consolation.

Still, my sixth sense tells me that he is going to regret it. He will suffer with loneliness more than I will.

Now I've got to pick myself up again. Hard to do with all life's stresses. *sigh*

Men are like buses...

2009-06-15T03:30:00.004-07:00

and it seems that I've finally found the right bus stop because a Streetcar Named Desire... erm... Bruce has stopped and picked me up! Literally!! :)

We've been dating for nearly 3 weeks and it is amazing how a positive mental attitude and good will can help sort out obstacles.

Although the name may sound familiar to you, I assure you he is not my Homestart volunteer. My Bruce responded to an advert I had placed online and things progressed pretty fast from there. Soon we were meeting at a pub and he was not shocked by my size or disability. We felt at ease with each other and arranged to meet again. The rest is history, as they say! :)

It is sometimes scary to think how easy it is to stop being miserable and lonely. I am reminded of my friend who had been to one of those therapy sessions where they had a blanket over their shoulders representing their worries and stresses. When the group leader told them to throw away their blanket, most people held on to it.

I feel relieved and free at last. I managed to break up with my daughter's dad. That relationship was going nowhere. He had not been a good dad plus four years down the line he was still refusing to acknowledge his child. Perhaps my luck has changed because I have finally done right by us. Maybe the universe is once again in balance... who knows.

The other Bruce (my volunteer) had been on holiday whilst all this was happening and could not believe his eyes when he next saw me. I was full of smiles, dressed nicely, nails done and makeup on, just as I should have been had I not been perpetually depressed the past 2 years.

No idea if this will last, but there is no harm in living life a bit, is there! :)

Stumbling block?

2009-03-31T09:22:00.003-07:00

I am not happy this week. I weighed myself on Monday and found out I had put on some weight - the scales said 2-3 kgs. I was so upset, I didn't even log my weight in. I don't know if it is because I ate a bit more last week - mainly some chocolates. I did calculate the points and I was over by a bit but that does not make sense. My feeling is that the weight gain was due to the massive weight loss of the previous week which was untrue as I was dehydrated by the fever and emanciated by the belly troubles. Still, no matter how I try to explain it, the issue is I am heavier this week.

Something else that upset me is that I got a letter from the orthopaedic hospital and they don't seem willing to operate on my knees, no matter how much weight I've lost till now. They said that I'd need to lose more weight... no idea how much, no inkling when they will see me to re-evaluate the situation.

Seems like none of my problems are getting solved and to top it all up my neighbour moved and now my daughter has no one to play with (and I get no peace in the afternoons when she is back from nursery).

The solitude/loneliness is unbearable. Been having dark thoughts again. I hate being depressed. But sometimes I say 'if no one cares about me, why should I care?'

On the other hand, Bruce, my volunteer, offered to spend more time with me as opposed to time with my daughter because he recognises that I am the one who needs help more.

What can I say.

I haven't created any new pieces of artwork but managed to sell a few items on ebay (mainly clothes). Keeps me busy...

If anyone is interested, there are two Easter eggs on ebay, made of papier mache, they are hollow inside so you can fill them with sweets and give to your favourite child. I can post internationally, so if you want, by all means do bid! (I am art_by_zontania on ebay.)

Back to my complicated existence now.

Yay! 5% weight loss target achieved!

2009-03-16T07:17:00.003-07:00

Today I weighed in at 173.8 kgs, which is roughly the same weight I was when I had my weight loss surgery 2 years and 8 months ago. I am slowly but surely regaining lost ground. My double chin has lifted off my collarbone and my belly is slimming. I can now fit in my car without squashing my belly against the steering wheel. The changes are so subtle that even I fail to notice them at times!

Today has also been the day that I have achieved my 5% weight loss target. I wanted to lose 18 kgs to be able to have my knee surgery, so that is my 10% goal.

Sadly, I got a letter from bariatrics today discharging me from their care. They don't want to keep me in their books if I do not want to have weight loss surgery. This has upset me because I wanted to keep it as an option.

I am under a lot of stress since last Friday because my car went in for MOT and failed. It is now going to cost me over £500 to put it right and I won't have it till Wednesday evening at the latest. I feel the garage is taking the mickey out of me, but I cannot prove anything.

Lots of things are happening and I have to sort it all out on my own. I am feeling downhearted and last week I ate a bit more than I should have had but, to be honest, food does not solve the problems. I just have to be strong and deal with one thing at a time.

Now I am going into ebay to tell that man who's bid 99 p for my beautiful box that he can't have it as I am pulling it out of the auction.

Be strong! Be true to yourself!

Charting Visual Progress

2009-03-02T11:57:00.005-07:00

Here is my weight chart with the gastric band. You can see a nice drop in the beginning and then it is ups and downs followed by a steady weight gain. That is when I had to have the band relaxed because my stomach was ruined by the daily vomiting.

Below is my chart for the past 5 weeks that I have been following a sensible eating plan. You can draw your own conclusions.

One stone down!

2009-03-02T03:47:00.003-07:00

1 st. down, 1 st. down!

I feel like singing and dancing all the way to my daughter's nursery.

So what if my love life is not sorted out yet and my housing situation is as grim as ever? I have lost 1 st. in 5 weeks - not a small feat by any count.

Four weeks later

2009-02-23T02:37:00.003-07:00

I can't believe I've been watching my weight for 4 weeks already! It all started with a what-the-heck-let-me-subscribe-and-see-where-it-takes-me-just-for-laughs attitude and now I am 5 kgs less. (I know I announced this milestone on a previous blog but that was because I had weighed myself midweek and knew where this was going.)

What is making this effort possible is recording everything I eat and drink on a daily basis on the website's calendar. Were it not for this bit of technology, I doubt I would have stuck with it.

You don't have to be perfect to lose weight but you have to be honest with yourself.

I wonder what I will be writing 4 weeks from now...

Energy!

2009-02-20T03:35:00.005-07:00

Oh my God, what is happening to me? I have so much energy that I can't get to sleep till nearly midnight and I am up by 7 am. The mid-afternoon nap has become redundant. Of course having extra stores of energy means you must find something to do with yourself, but why oh why has it got to be dishwashing?!!! I think I should try ironing next.

My daughter's dad has been here for a few days and I got to cook some nice calorie-controlled meals with my soutzoukakia taking first place.

Here is the recipe:

500 g. Healthy Living Beef Mince from Tesco (it has less than 5% fat)
Salt and pepper to taste
Garlic powder (a generous sprinkling)
Cumin powder (2-3 heaped tsp)
Dried mint (2-3 pinches)
200-150 g. passata (also from Tesco, it is so velvety)
2 tsp sugar
Knorr cube, chicken flavour
1 tbs quality olive oil

Mix mince with spices and mint and make into 10 even sized sausages.
Pour the passata into a saucepan, add the Knorr cube, some pepper (no salt! the cube contains enough salt) and some garlic as well as the sugar and bring to the boil.
Add the sausage shaped mince and a little bit of boiling water so that they are nicely covered.
Cover the saucepan, reduce the heat and leave to cook for 20-30 minutes until the sauce has thickened.
Add the olive oil at the end of the cooking to preserve its goodness.

Whist the soutzoukakia are cooking, you can boil a sweet potato with two small white potatoes (peel and cut into cubes, don't forget to salt them) and when soft (takes about 20 minutes) mash them with a fork or other method you normally use.

Serve 2.5 soutzoukakia per person with a quarter of the mash and a bit of the sauce along with any fresh salad or steam vegetables of your choice.

Total points value of the recipe: 19 => less than 5 points per portion!

The mince itself is worth 11.5 points for the entire recipe so if you avoid the potatoes, you can enjoy a larger portion with some steamed vegetables (the sauce will make them taste soooo good!)

Thoughts on diets, surgery and... swimming!

2009-02-18T08:06:00.008-07:00

Three and a half weeks into my Weight Watchers diet and I've achieved my first weight loss target of 5 kgs. It feels good. It wasn't particularly hard to do, I have eaten more than my allowed points on occasion but did not let that hinder me. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and all I have to do is try to stay within my points allowance.

I just placed a grocery order online to Tesco and managed to avoid the pitfalls of sweets and snacks. A single glance at their nutrition labels was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. A TV advert that raises awareness about saturated fats and clogged arteries has also helped me stick to my guns.

Do I have regrets? Well, yes. I am human, after all. Sometimes I think of people who can eat all they want and miss the taste of certain calorific foods/combinations. However, my motivation is NOT to have surgery. I keep thinking that God created us perfect, and therefore we have to respect His design and not try to improve on it with surgery. Especially when that surgery changes the way things work. Obviously I would not object to surgery that is meant to fix a gross deformity or help a person see, breathe or chew better. I would even consider a tummy tuck or breast lift acceptable (but not a breast augmentation using implants).

My mother keeps telling me on the phone that she watched this and that on TV and there was this huge person who lost so many kilos following weight loss surgery (WLS)... blah blah blah. I try to explain to her that for everyone that has succeeded, there are hundreds that have failed, but she can't understand.

I think that WLS was a fad and is slowly passing. People are going back to tried and tested methods who have the minimum impact on their health.

So please don't let me hear anyone say that diets don't work. They do, if you are prepared to change your habits, keep a daily food and drinks diary, and stick with it no matter what.

I wasted valuable time... why did I rely so much on bariatrics to solve my problem? Whilst I was going from doctor to doctor, Marcy had been dieting (Marcy is a member of a forum that I belong to). She is much further down the road than I am, much closer to her end goal.

I did not have will power... But what is will power? Where do you get that from? I still don't know. But if you take it one day at a time and always aim to do your best, it works.

It is like jumping off a tall cliff into the sea below. You stand on the edge and stare down and contemplate... but you don't take the plunge. You hope that someone will push you but people are afraid to interfere. So you stand at the edge and stare and wish you could do what others are doing but fear holds you back. Fear, indecision... Then you take a deep breath and step into the void. You think no more. There! It's done. And, damn it, it feels so good! :)

Diet Is a Four-Letter Word

2009-02-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

Nearly the end of my third week doing Weight Watchers online and my first time eating out. We went to the Old Orleans restaurant yesterday and I just realised I forgot to count the points of the popcorn we had...

I now know that hunger makes me vulnerable. My daughter's dish was served first (fish and chips) and I just had to have a taste... again, not counting the points. But I refused to order a soft drink or juice so I saved some calories there. I calculated I had 25 points at lunch without the ones that went uncounted. That is a lot of calories in one seating... 24 points is what a dieter ought to be eating in any 24 hours!

At least I enjoyed myself - well, enjoyed is a bit of an overstatement with my daughter misbehaving in public and frustrating me and the slow service and mishaps in the restaurant's kitchen. Sometimes I despair that I shall ever be able to have a normal life, you know dating, eating out...

Talking about dating, I placed an ad online and had an amazing response... from Africans! *sigh* Where have all the good men gone? Why can't a woman like me find a companion who doesn't consider her his meal ticket? I feel sorry for my daughter. The more she grows, the more she realises that things are not right.

I'll try to keep busy now, not to think of my problems. I want to make some paper macher Easter eggs. Might be able to sell some. It would be nice to earn some money instead of just spending it on art materials. LOL

Snowed in!

2009-02-02T08:25:00.006-07:00

Today we woke up to a winter wonderland. It had snowed overnight and everything was under 15 cm of snow. Constantina was very excited and couldn't wait to go outdoors and build herself a snowman. My neighbour texted me to ask if our daughters could play together as the local school was closed. It didn't occur to me at that moment that things were more serious than they seemed.

From the news, I hear there are no buses, most schools and businesses remained closed and those that opened are working with limited staff because ... well, who would have wanted to go to work when they can stay home and enjoy snowball fights with their children?

C's dad cannot come to visit as planned because he is snowed in - literally. He lives in the countryside where, unless a local farmer decides to take a ride on his tractor, the roads do not get cleared.

I feel sad. I am so lonely it hurts!

Next I had a phonecall from Tesco telling me they won't be doing any deliveries today due to bad weather and I would have to re-place my order.

Of course my internet connection is playing up since last Thursday, meaning when I do get through, I cannot maintain connection for more than 5-10 minutes and then it takes several long efforts to reconnect. Damned 3 mobile! I rang them so many times to sort the problem out. Apparently they were doing works in our area to make their service better. This is when you say 'if it is not broke, why fix it?' They claim the works are finished and I should have been able to connect since the weekend. Despite numerous hour-long consultations with them (all costing a lot of money as it is an 0870 number), I still have the same problem. ARGGGH!

Can it get worse? I am sure it can, but I don't want it to because it already feels dreadful. I hope the weather will clear soon as we are going to run out of food.

Constantina came back soaked to the bone as my neighbour did not pay much attention to her and I had to put all her clothes and shoes on the radiators to dry. I made her a hot cup of cocoa and she finished up her porridge that she had left over from breakfast time. Then she climbed onto the sofa and covered herself with her duvet to watch children's TV.

Maybe I should use my positive mental attitude and concentrate on the fact that I lost 2 kgs since last week (2.7 since my return from Greece). I am sure if I hadn't cheated, I would have done much better but I am only human and I still turn to food when I am frustrated.

Think I am getting cabin fever. Pray for me! LOL

Sunshine

2009-01-30T11:10:00.005-07:00

Felt good today. Maybe it was that bit of sunshine that broke through the grey clouds. Maybe it was the fact that my neighbour took my daughter out and I had a bit of 'me' time. I pampered myself and even plucked my eyebrows! It was very destressing, - oh! I had forgotten how good it is to have some 'me' time.

When my daughter came home she noticed the change in me and said I smelled lovely. I put some music on and we danced and laughed staging our own little impromptu party.

Had a bowl of meat soup for dinner but I am feeling hungry now, just one hour later. It is quite cold in the house but I am bearing it as the heating is due to come on soon. I feel a bit unsure because the Weight Watchers site is down and I am using it to record everything I eat. It is a bit like asking permission to satisfy one's hunger - what can I have that won't have a negative effect on my weight loss effort? I'd like to make a chocolate pudding or maybe some French toast - oh! I am saying this and I am salivating at the thought of the maple syrup trickling down the side of the toast.

No internet tonight as they are upgrading the masts in my area and mobile broadband is now-you-see-it-now-you-don't. Luckily I have a book to read. I've been reading a lot of books lately, the best one so far was The Lost Throne by Chris Kuszneski (a very gifted young writer) followed by The Venetian Betrayal by Steve Berry. My problem wtih Berry's writing was that he took too long to get to the point and it was hard keeping track of all the different characters he introduces. I would have given up on the book but I am happy I persevered because the plot thickens and you are finally transported away.

No progress?

2009-01-27T07:29:00.004-07:00

Long time since I last wrote on my blog. Lots of things have happened.

Looking back to those troublesome months, I recall blurry vision, inability to focus, travelling clouds through my field of vision, dark spots, feeling sleepy all the time, lack of muscle control (eg. my hands would drop things and I had trouble feeding myself without making a mess, my belly would dance as if there was a baby in it, my calf and toe muscles would cramp and freeze in weird positions and things like that.)

My anger at my GP kept me away from his surgery and that might have been a life saver because I had developed serotonin syndrome. After stopping the prescribed medication, my eyesight repaired itself to a large extent and the muscle seizures stopped gradually.
(I still get the dark spots in my field of vision, but that is when I get tired. I am told it is a sign of age and nothing can be done about it.)

I had to hit rockbottom before things began to improve. It was a bad time because of the oil crisis and things becoming so expensive that I could barely afford the basics. I struggled financially but my efforts paid off. So I was able to once again employ a housekeeper who came like a breath of fresh air and brought order and shine to our home. :) And Homestart found me a volunteer to help me with my daughter.

The pain in my knees was so bad that I could hardly stand. I had to give up on any hope to start University in Sept. 2008. I knew I had to do something about my condition, but I needed something now! I tried to swap my council home for another but it turned out there were problems at the swapper's address and I had to pull out. With Christmas looming, I decided to go back to Greece and stay with my mother for a while.

Greece was a painful experience... The old problems with my mother resurfaced and we were constantly at each other's throats. But she did help me because I didn't have to shop, cook or do laundry and this quiet existence helped ease the physical pain. I now knew that my theory was correct, i.e. that if I don't have to encounter stairs on a day-to-day living, my knees would not get as inflammed, therefore would not need constant pain medication.

Back in London, my problems have not gone away just because I did. And the fight continues, but this time I know I cannot rely on anyone - and I mean it! No doctors, hospitals, social workers or other council officials are ever going to help me. So I have decided to simply enjoy my life as much as possible and not worry about things too much.

UCLH has set a date for my bariatric surgery: April 7th. But I am not sure I want to go through with it. First of all they want me to lose 20 kgs. (I was 182.4 kgs on 9 Jan 2009) Well, if I can lose 20 kgs till April, then ... do I really need surgery? If I can do it, it will be a positive indication that I can go it alone. But maybe I will have the surgery to speed things up. We'll see.

Following one's heart

2008-07-09T01:51:00.003-07:00

When I had made my application for Middlesex, I was not too certain that was the way to go as it was all based on my medical problems and the need to be in London to resolve them. But if I were to take the medical problems out of the equation, the solution was clear: I had to follow my heart. I emailed the course leader at my favourite university and got an encouraging reply.

After all the heartache and tears, yesterday was a day of joy: I got accepted at my favourite university. So, come September, I shall be studying in a little town in the NW of England called Ormskirk. Now I must tie up all loose ends and move there.

My biggest fear at the moment is not being able to secure accommodation there (I can't be accommodated in halls because I have a child). No accommodation = no studying. But I will cross each bridge as I come to it. Right now I have to think positively.

On the health front, I am now on a different anti-depressant, but can't report on it as it is still early days yet.

Weight going up...

2008-06-29T04:01:00.004-07:00

Went to Boots yesterday and got myself weighed. I am 167.7 kgs - just 6 kgs less than I weighed two years ago when I had my gastric band installed.

I don't want to have an operation any more. It is too dangerous. I read in the newspaper about a mother who died of MRSA a few days after her op. She was only 120 kgs but wanted to make a better life for herself and her son. Now he is an orphan.

Talked to mom today and she thinks I should go ahead with the operation. She believes in it, but I don't think she's got the full picture. It is strange for her to encourage me to go under the knife. She had been so against the lapband but I went ahead anyway. Maybe she is more positively inclined because of all the publicity bariatric surgery has been getting in Greece in the last couple of years.

College is finished at last. I got a pass. I was heartbroken when I heard my grade, because I had been expecting distinction. I cried so much I gave myself a migraine. Life is so unfair. I texted my tutor to ask why and he promised to explain on Monday. But I feel so empty now. What's the point of trying when your efforts do not get rewarded?

I just want to give up. I am going to tell my GP that I do not wish to continue on my anti-depressant medication. It is not helping. It has just subdued my emotions, made my hair fall out and deprived me of my libido.

I have so many problems. There is this company who is threatening to send the bailiffs in because I did not pay a parking ticket. They won't leave me at peace. I can't deal with it, can't deal with any more problems, phonecalls, chasing up, thinking!

OK one more hurdle to go through: the interview at Middlesex University. Then hopefully things will become clearer.

Oh must I?

2008-06-25T11:02:00.005-07:00

Annie wants me to update my blog, but I don't know what to write that would be encouraging to others.

I am still waiting for my operations. I have jumped through all the hoops at UCLH, had a full cardiological assessment (including a CT scan, a 24 hour Holter tape, an ultrasound, an ECG), a full dietary assessment and a full psychiatric assessment. I was meant to have heard back from them by the end of May, but they haven't had their meeting to discuss my case, yet, as one of the consultants is on holiday.

My weight has rocketed, but I have no idea what I weigh now because my scales only go up to 160 kgs.

College is nearly over - just two more days to go. The exhibition of our works went up. It was an exhausting week. I wish the College would have advertised our exhibition so that more people could have come to see it. As it is, only friends and relatives have seen it, none of which were mine.

Finances are really tight. For the first time in my life my bank account hit ZERO. Going shopping is a traumatic experience. Even a loaf of bread is too expensive, nowadays. Still, I managed to buy a cake to take to my daughter's nursery so that they can all celebrate her birthday. She will be 3 years old.

It's been a month now that my daughter has been scribbling letters on paper. They look very artistic and I have saved her first effort to show to her when she is older.

Other news... I refused the two offers I had from universities to study Design for Performance in order to make space to apply for a course at Middlesex University. The main reason is my pending medical issues that tie me down to London. I had tears in my eyes when I was sending in my refusals. The future is so uncertain and I am never sure I am making the right choices in my life.

I need someone to run my life for me! I am tired of making decisions and having responsibility for everything.

Hope you who is reading this pointless blog are much better than me and that you are enjoying summer.

As Time Goes By

2007-10-26T02:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks to an anonymous comment, I was reminded that I haven't posted for a long time.

I have been keeping busy with my Art & Design course which started in September 2007. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride... I wanted to do a couple of hours per week, just to get myself out of the house and I ended up doing a full time diploma course. My daughter is going to day nursery (expensive!!!) and is having a whale of a time, whilst I am struggling to keep up with my various commitments. But it is all good.

My weight has rocketed to 154 kgs or so. I can see it in the mirror and feel it in my clothes. It is ridiculous to put on so much weight after struggling for a full year to lose it. But that's the way things go.

One funny thing: I had been feeling very unsexy during my weight loss but now that I've put some of the weight back on, I am back to feeling sexy. Isn't that weird? I guess it feels better to run one's hands over an inflated thigh rather than the opposite.

I found a bariatric surgeon who is willing to take on my care. He is based at UCLH. I am seeing him in 10 days' time. It is good to know that my troubles are finally coming to an end.

I am also going to see a knee specialist at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital. I hope he can do something about my knees. I am prepared to go under the knife because life is so hard right now and full of pain. I want to be able to go to University next year and not struggle day in and day out. But will an operation restore my mobility? Will it solve problems or will it create more?

Finally, something that may be of interest to people who are having toilet problems: I am taking 1 teaspoon of Fibresure in my coffee every day and I am regular as clockwork! The downside to it is that it causes some abdominal pain, so I guess it is a matter of finding the right dosage that works for you.

Must get on with my chores now. Last day of the midterm holiday and lots of housework to catch up with plus some homework to be getting on with. My daughter is also in need of some attention. Yesterday she spread the toilet cover thickly with nappy cream as well as the sink, taps, floor, bedroom carpet, toys, books, clothes... I had a fit when I saw it and was amazed I didn't get a stroke. On the other hand, she does things that make me go 'aww!' like change the lining in the toilet basket, take out the shopping from the bags, unload the washing machine, set up the clothes airer, etc. She has started singing and remembers songs from months ago, e.g. she began singing kounia-bella that her granny sang to her last summer. And she can tell the numbers when she sees them written, especially number 4. Sometimes it is hard to believe she is only 2 years and 4 months old. :)

Have a good weekend everyone!

Whittington Hospital

2007-08-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

Just a short note to let you know that despite my numerous visits to Whittington Hospital to see the bariatric surgeon Mr Hashemi that my GP had referred me to, he refused to see me because I had had the operation abroad. He did not feel he had any obligation to treat such patients (even when they had complications and were suffering) and could not even bother to tell me himself but had to send me one of his minions.

The Whittington is a modern hospital, nice building but the obesity clinic stinks, they cannot get their act together with appointments and they are inconsiderate to patients' needs. I don't know whether Mr Hashemi is a competent surgeon, I don't know what kind of results he gets post-operatively but maybe it was for the best I didn't get involved with him - who needs such treatment?!!!

If anyone is considering bariatric surgery abroad, please bear in mind that no NHS surgeon will see you to follow you up. They are very strict about it so maybe you should wait to have your surgery in Britain on the NHS instead of running off abroad and then struggling with no support.

12 months later...

2007-08-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

Hello fanatic reader (who are you?)

It's been a long time since I updated my blog but I had been having connection problems and also moved house (that meant 7 weeks of hard labour), took a holiday (another 4 weeks hard labour), had a house guest (3 weeks)... and so on.

On 07.07.07 I had my one year gastric band anniversary. It was not a happy occasion. I managed to lose just 30 kgs and that with great difficulty. From Feb. 07 till Easter I was doing Weight Watchers. It wasn't something that I had been prepared for - the diet, I mean. I thought the band was supposed to do all the work by itself and I just had to sit back and watch the kilos drop. Instead, I spent Sept. 06 to July 07 throwing up on a daily basis, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

I got desperate. Summer holidays and me rushing out of the restaurant to the toilets downstairs to throw up. My mother was very upset with me. One lunchtime it was raining cats and dogs and I didn't make it past the restaurant doors. I threw up there, in front of everybody. How very humiliating! Luckily the rain was so thick that it washed the evidence away but for days I'd steal glimpses towards the wall to see if there were any reminders of my episode.

The holidays were dreadful. Firstly I had to spend 15 rainy days cooped up in a little bungalow with my mom and my daughter. Mom managed to completely destroy my self confidence by making comments like 'if I were you, I wouldn't let my daughter see me naked lest she gets disgusted by my sight' and other gems like that. I cried tears of hurt and yelled cries of anger and despair, threatened to never set foot in Greece again to the point that even my daughter realised there was something wrong and came to me for reassurance. Then the heat wave began, Greece hit a record of 45 o C this summer! Heat wave, tempers rising... I don't know how we managed to reconciliate for my daughter's birthday. Then I had to go to a christening and a reception afterwards but my mom kept making comments like 'are you sure you want to go there with all the successful people, won't that make you feel bad?' or 'it is too hot, you'll sweat and you won't have a good time, leave the child here'. But the more she tried to prevent me from going, the more determined I was not to give her the satisfaction. So I went with my daughter and we had a ball!

Saw two different surgeons (actually 3) when I was in Greece and had my band loosened by a colleague of my surgeon. I had an endoscopy (they put a tube down my mouth and took a look at my stomach with me being awake and struggling to disengage myself from the tube to the point that I nearly had a heart attack!) My stomach was in bad condition with gastritis caused by the 9 month vomit. Later on I had an X-ray of the stomach and this time I could see the monitor and saw how my stomach kicked back the radioactive water I drank. The surgeon refused to charge me for the exam (very decent of him) but he also refused to do me a fill. He said I had to let my stomach recover. He also explained a lot of things about the gastric band to me, told me it was not my fault I did not do well. He said anyone living far and not having frequent contact with their surgeon would suffer the same fate. Also he said my band was placed rather high and that was causing all the problems with the vomiting. According to this surgeon the upper pouch only has space for 2 bites so I should eat a bit and then rest before eating another bite. It made sense. I wish I had this knowledge a long time ago, before the troubles destroyed my psychology and made me feel like a huge failure.

Ever since I got back from the holidays, I regained my appetite. For 3 weeks I was controlling myself fairly well. Esther was here and she is always a good influence on me. I had someone to talk to, someone to fuss over... it was good. But when she left the void became so big and nothing would fill it except for food. So I put on 5 kgs, then another 2, and now another 1. I am not happy. I can feel the weight holding me down. My joints are aching again (due to the crappy weather we've been having in the UK). Lack of exercise + food = bad results. However, my blood tests came back alright, my iron levels are low but within the acceptable range. This has helped my head grow new hair and I celebrated this by having my hair cut and highlighted.

I saw a counsellor recently. It was painful as I spent the entire half hour of our session crying. She didn't say much... just told me to let go of my mother and to think of what I can do rather than what I can't. I am seeing her again middle of September. Hopefully I won't cry as much this time but maybe that was what I needed: a good cry, who knows!

Now I am planning to take a course at the local College. This will mean putting my daughter into nursery but that will be good for her. She will meet other children and do lots of nice activities. I don't know where the money will be coming from but as it is just for 10 weeks, I might as well do it and then worry about it. I just hope my course is not full by the time I get to register. I was a bit scared to register before sorting out childcare in case I lost my money.

Apart from these news, I am still without a boyfriend. I suffered a great loss of libido and that upset me more than anything else. I felt useless, totally rubbish. But then I tried to self-analyse myself and go back to the last time I felt sexy and realised it all had to do with my mother's comment during our holiday. Anger built up in me and I said 'no way, I am not letting her rule my life to this extent!' Wonder of wonders, my libido returned. Not as high as it used to be but it's there, a little spark waiting for the right man to turn it into a raging fire.

Richard gave me a hug and a kiss today. 'How come?' I asked him. 'Just to remind you what it feels like so that you know you've still got it'. It was good. I was scared that I could not show affection any more but I was able to hug him back and let myself in his arms and it did not feel awkward. (Maybe I can only show affection for people I truly care about?)

Oh, one final thing, before I forget. I was able to achieve closure with David (my abusive ex partner). First I removed his photo from my sight, then I wrote him an email to say goodbye. It was that simple. Took me 4.5 years to do but it's done now. I can move on. Many thanks to Richard II for helping me see things for what they really were.

Must end this now. Got a nice book I want to finish and sleep to catch up with. It's been hard lately with me getting a max of 5 hours sleep a day. I hear that the body does not produce leptin (the thinning hormone) until it's had 6 hours of sleep. I'd better increase my hours of sleep, empty my brain of thoughts, take painkillers if I have to to stop my joints from aching. I have to do what I have to do to ensure I am well and fit.

Till later...

Changes

2007-03-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I was last in here and nothing much has changed in terms of weight. I seem to maintain those 20-23 kgs lost once I had the gastric band operation. Ups and downs, downs and ups.

I used to vomit a lot, then my surgeon visited me before Christmas and removed some fluid from the band. That eased things up a bit after an initial adjustment period. I had a nice Christmas in the company of Esther but when she left, I fell into dark depression. All my problems were there and there was not much I could do to sort them out.

With things getting dangerous, I booked us two tickets to Athens and we flew there in February. It was good to have a break, even though it was not your traditional holiday. I continued to exist, but instead of being home alone with my daughter, I was at my mom's home, alone in the presence of the family. My back was killing me so I went and bought some new mattresses from IKEA. Mom was not keen on spending money on new mattresses but with me covering about 1/3 of the cost, she was persuaded.

My daughter was running around mom's spacious home like mad. She was chasing the dog, being chased by the dog and got into all sorts of mischief ending up with my mom and my brothers complaining about 'how naughty' she was. I told them 'I told you so!' but nothing much changed. LOL

We got back and although I ought to fall into dark depression again seeing as once again I was cooped up in 4 walls, alone with Miss HereComesTrouble, I fought it. Yes, the problems are still here and multiplying but I have done what I can do about them and there is only so much one can worry about stuff.

Anyway, back to the gastric band...

Whilst in Greece, I had an X-ray of the stomach to see if the band was doing its work. The surgeon said it was fine and proceeded to fill it by 1 ml even though I had been to see him because the vomiting had started again and I was unable to keep food and water down!!! So I went home with his reassurance that I'd be fine and instead of being fine, I had my first acid return (sorry can't think of its proper name right now). With my throat burning, my heart beating like mad, I spent the rest of the night sitting up and had a few more returns. The next day I went back to the hospital and had some fluid removed. It still wasn't enough but the surgeon was gone and he told his secretary that I should go home and come back in the evening if the burping continued.

Well, the vomitting went on... I flew back and vomitted in the airport toilets, then in the airplane, then at home... I was so miserable; hungry, but unable to eat or even drink! I hated my doctor for it.

I saw my GP and told him my problems and I am booked to see a specialist at the Whittington Hospital in London. I can't wait for the day! I don't know what he will be able to do but at least he can check the condition of the band properly, not in a 2-minute-two-gulps test and hopefully he can check my intestines out as I have been having a lot of pain on contact with my belly, swelling, and an endless circus of constipation and diarrhoea. Maybe he will even be able to fix my hernia, too, as that may have something to do with my troubles. One can only live in hope :)

Apart from that, life goes on. Washing machine is broken and the landlady won't replace it as she wants to sell the house and has no use for it. Which leaves me with 3-4 piles of clothes to take down to the local laundrette... Argh!

Yesterday I went out to look at washing machines and was given a makeover at the Lancome stand in John Lewis. I had a pleasant time with Jonti (if that is how her name is spelled) and left looking rather nice. Spurred by the change in my face, I went across to Evans and had a quick look for clothes but ended up buying costume jewellry instead. I am attaching a pic showing the makeup and new jewellry.

Don't you just hate it when necklaces twist? I took that pic myself, using the mirror to center the image in the screen of my camera - well, one can only be so perfect! LOL

The biggest change this season is that I have joined Weight Watchers. I am still following the points system but my first week I put on weight instead of losing which means I am doing something wrong. However, when I went there last week, it was impossible to talk to the leader as my daughter was acting up and we had to go after she gave us 'the look'. *sigh* So now I am using their website and tracking my meals into their excellent programme - try it for yourselves.

Must go wash those clothes now, but will keep you posted to developments. Be well, everyone.

A Tight Fit

2006-12-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wore tights for the first time! You see my daughter's dad was visiting so we were going out and I decided to make myself presentable. It took ages hunting for the bag of tights, then the shoes, then a blouse to match the skirt he had bought me for my birthday, but at last I got ready and the result was quite decent, even if I say so myself. It felt human to be dressed up in a fitted skirt and blouse, to wear tights and hush puppy type shoes instead of the Timberland 2-sizes bigger-so-they-will-fit shoes.

I also got to try on a blouse that I hadn't worn since 2000 - that is 6 years ago. The blouse is in pristine condition and felt so soft and luxurious against my skin. Mmm! There were lots of lovely clothes in the suitcase, packed away, forgotten but a look at N. told me this was no time to try them all on.

Shopping was good; tiring, but good. I had to cut down my expectations and just do the grocery shopping and post office and by the end I could hardly stand on my feet. My muscles were giving up on me, the soles of my feet were aching like hell... N. would not tell me the time fearing I would go off in one of my irrational and monumental strops, but I had a fair idea of what time it was and I was right. We had been on our feet for 3 hours!

We got home, I heated up some bean soup (cassoulet, according to a friend of mine who is well-versed in all things culinary) and we enjoyed it with some freshly baked bread. For seconds I had some pork belly that I grilled in the oven but it was an unhappy situation for me as it produced a massive series of PB and discomfort. So when evening came and N. made us a nice platter of pate, salad and toast, I was unable to eat. The good thing is that he understood and did not get upset but saved my plate for today, instead.

It was strange because I felt hungry, I wanted to eat but I had trouble swallowing even water. All of a sudden my gastric band felt like it had closed up. Eventually I managed to have a small portion of vanilla ice cream and that only because I felt I had to have something different to celebrate the only day that he was able to be with us during the holidays. Isn't it silly how we connect holidays/celebrations with food and drink?

Anyway... today I have an appointment with my orthopaedic consultant about the condition of my knees. I want him to see the X-rays I had in Greece in May that show that the damage is now complete and advise me regarding the future. As the appointment is in the afternoon, I hope to take it easy this morning and perhaps go for some more shopping to keep my activity levels up.

I look forward to coming home this evening and light up the Christmas tree that N. fished out of the attic. It is a pretty fibre optic tree with little stars stuck to the ends of the branches and gives the house a homely feel.

Here is a view of my weight loss progress with all its ups and downs so far. Not the ideal chart by any means.

http://uk.geocities.com/fairy_of_the_enchanted_forest/weightchart.htm

Tragic realisations

2006-12-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today I had an appointment with the beautician for waxing and a body scrub/wrap/massage. It was the third step in a line designed to make me beautiful. (First I had a pedicure on Tuesday followed by a haircut. And today came the turn for the body treatments.)

As I was lying on the treatment bed, I was aware of a strand of hair on my left shoulder. I could see it out of the corner of my eye and it annoyed me no end as I was covered in sticky mud and crystals and did not want it getting to my hair. But no matter how much I tried to push it away, it would not budge. And then my vision cleared and I realised it was not a strand of hair but... a set of wrinkles where my upper arm has lost its bulk and the skin gathers in folds, just like an English bulldog's.

I felt so old! Old, undesirable, ashamed of my body and its condition... It will only get worse from now on. I don't know how I will cope with it psychologically. Already I have lost my libido. I have no desire for sex and sometimes I have no desire for closeness - not that I get much chance for any of them!

I sat on the toilet upstairs and cried. I seem to be doing a lot of crying lately. That is when I am not drawn into the world of Runescape, my favourite multi-player adventure game. As soon as I face reality, I find that I cannot cope. So of course I escape in any way I can.

Sometimes I like cooking. I get an idea for a dish and enjoy its execution. But the girls in the forum keep telling me I have to give up on cooking. They think I am too involved with food for my own good.

The beautician asked me whether I work. I don't. It is impossible to work and pay the huge fees for childminding. As for the au pair solution that has not worked. The girls simply come to your house to use you as a stepping stone and have no regard for the welfare of your child.

I told the beautician I would like to work from home. What can you do, she asked me. I can paint, I replied, thinking of the beautiful favour boxes I did for my daughter's christening which drew a lot of compliments. But then I realised that the house is so small and there is no way I could have my paints and tools out with the little one wanting to touch everything. It is not safe for her and it is not safe for my artwork. So of course that made me unhappy, again. It just seems I cannot do ANYTHING that I desire because of one reason or another.

I ran out of blood pressure medication today. I rang my doctor's surgery to request it and the receptionist was not helpful at all. So I am going without it for the entire weekend. Very dangerous. Then, as I was crying upstairs, I thought that maybe this is a way to die. Stop taking your pills till your heart or brain explodes.

So what else happened today? Ah, I heard from Chelmsford Council regarding my housing register application. It turns out photocopies of passports are not good (despite the fact the letter they had sent me requested exactly that!) So now I have to go down to Essex, 90 mins on the motorway to take the originals to them. But there is no point hurrying, as nothing will be done before the new year. Plus they want a medical report which has to be signed by my doctor. But they haven't sent me that form, yet. So on the housing front it is all grim. January 17th I am meant to be leaving this house and I have serious doubts there will be somewhere to move by then. Whatever it is, it is going to be terribly difficult, very expensive to sort out and soul destroying. My landlady will probably end up taking me to court to get an eviction.

I'll end this entry by saying it is all David's fault. He never should have left me. I am clearly unable to handle life on my own. I am stuck in a house all by my own, have no friends, no fun and it does not matter how bright or eloquent or well-mannered I am, I am just not enough or maybe not good enough.

Self-pity session over. It is just one more difficult night. It will pass.

A Natural High

2006-12-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hello! :)

Do you want to hear something good for a change?

I am feeling high. The reason is that my surgeon came to see me today. He flew in and out of London just for me. Isn't that nice of him? He does care, after all! :)

Of course it's taken a very public email to make him act, but I was beyond myself with anger at the continuing PBs and lack of weight loss.

We had the chance to discuss my progress and he agreed that by now I should have lost about 30 kgs, not just 20. He said that some people do not do well with the gastric band. Some constitutions just have a bad reaction to it. And about 15% of the patients do not have a successful progress. Success, according to my surgeon, is losing 65-75% of your excess body weight in the first year. In my case that would be a minimum of 65 kgs. (Which only leaves me with 45 kgs to lose in the next 6 months if I am stubborn enough. LOL. Now let's see... 45 kgs / 6 = 7.5 kgs per month. Hmm.)

We talked about gastric by-pass (biliopancreatic by-pass). I am still not convinced that is the best way forward as it is drastic, it does affect your body in the sense that you no longer take the vitamins and minerals from your food naturally but have to rely on taking supplements for the rest of your life and of course hair loss is almost guaranteed with a by-pass.

I want to give the band another chance. I want to understand it better and make it work for me. I love a good challenge!

My theory is this: the band was too tight, causing many episodes of PB. Out of fear of malnutrition, I would eat after a PB, but not necessarily the best foods for me, only foods that were guaranteed to go down without problem. So this could be the reason I was not losing weight - or rather, losing it and putting it back on. Now that the surgeon has loosened the band a bit (he removed 0.5 ml), I should be able to eat fruit easier as well as meat, poultry or fish. I want to eat more raw salads, too, as I enjoy the texture and taste. Eating properly should kickstart my metabolism again. Well, at least I can try my theory out, can't I?

Also from today I started using the pedometer again. Today I made 4000 steps (311 calories) and that was mainly indoors and in the supermarket. I should aim to burn 750 calories a day but goodness me, that sounds an impossible feat! What is that? Nearly 10,000 steps?

My surgeon suggested I go on Xenical for 3 months to help myself but I still recall the oily patches I used to leave everywhere and the number of knickers that were beyond salvation. He also suggested I take a walk everyday (groan, groan! me? walk?) I guess I could do that by going to the shops. However, too much exercise is bad for my knees and hips and I must stop when I feel tired - doctor's orders! But surely there is a golden mean. I just have to find what it is that will work for me.

Will you join me with your best wishes for success? I really need this, not for beauty or anything vain, but to be able to walk easily and play with my little girl and be there for her.

Thank you doctor, thank you forum members who put up with me, thank you readers. :)

Naughty Forties

2006-11-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

I have reached that respectable age that every woman dreads but I feel as young as ever. That is something, I guess.

With regards to my lapband and attempts to diet, well things are not going very well. Yesterday I had a PB followed by two violent vomiting sessions which left me weak and trembling. (And there's you thinking men are supposed to make you feel like that! Hah!) I am still not fully recovered from the 3-week long illness (cold with a bout of the flu in between resulting in upper respiratory infection). My hair is falling out at an alarming rate and my scalp has thinned out so much it is painful to look at my image on the mirror. I want to think it is the change of seasons that is affecting my hair growth and that it will regenerate with time. But it could be diet-related and I vowed to start taking my iron supplements again.

My daughter is progressing by leaps and bounds. She is not using a dummy any more and I am so pleased with that. I forgot to give it to her 3-4 days ago and that was it. Amazing! She has also learned to climb on her high chair and drink from a cup. For some strange reason she seems to know what she is meant to do with things, e.g. she puts the phone back on its cradle after I have finished taking a call and she brings her plate back in the kitchen. Still she is interested in the contents of the rubbish bin and often goes through it to retrieve 'tasty little morsels' which totally freaks me out. I mean, give her a banana and you'll find it spread all over the leather sofa and footstool with little of it being eaten. So you take the banana remnants and throw them in the rubbish bin. But the little one remembers and later on she goes through the bin to retrieve what is rightfully hers and before mummy has a chance to react, the banana finds its way in her mouth.

In case you are wondering, my total weight loss to date is 20.6 kgs. Not a great feat by any means as I am approaching the 5th month anniversary. Yo-yoing since September. Sadly I am not alone in that. Many of my new friends in the forum seem to be having problems losing weight. To be honest, it seems that most people do not have the results one would have expected, but not all of them will admit it. I can't blame them, though. It is hard to accept the fact that you took a life-changing decision and it has been a flash in a pan just like every other decision you have taken in the past.

But let's not dwell on misery! Today is a new day and I have vowed to lose another 2 kgs in the next 10 days. I will be careful of what I eat and drink and for today's lunch I think a beetroot and gherkin salad with smoked ham and maybe a hard boiled egg will do me nicely. That will leave the lamb tagine for my daughter. I am baking some half baguettes in the oven now to have a bit of bread with my tea. I bought a nice eucalyptus honey from Australia that I want to try. Honey is meant to be good for you.

The Fraud

2006-11-13T02:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever said to yourself 'I feel like a fraud'? Well, I have. Today. Because the scales read 158.5 kgs. Last lowest weight was 153.6 kgs. That was at the end of October. All of October I struggled to lose weight, putting on weight, then losing it.

October Weight Record

30/09/2006 156.9
01/10/2006 156.5
03/10/2006 156.1
04/10/2006 155.8
06/10/2006 155.9 (up 0.1 kgs)
09/10/2006 154.8
16/10/2006 158.2 (up 3.4 kgs)
17/10/2006 157.8
19/10/2006 156.6
20/10/2006 156.7 (up 0.1 kgs)
22/10/2006 157.1 (up 0.4 kgs)
23/10/2006 156.5
23/10/2006 154.2
25/10/2006 156.1 (up 1.9 kgs)
25/10/2006 155.5
26/10/2006 155.3
27/10/2006 154.4
28/10/2006 154.1
29/10/2006 154
30/10/2006 153.6

I am 4.9 kgs more than my lowest weight.

It is so disappointing, so disheartening! I feel like a fraud because I can't make the ring work. At this moment in time I don't care whose fault it is - I have got to take the blame.

Yes, I have eaten chocolates (and could offer a dozen excuses for it) and drunk beer but I have also walked a lot - miles! One Sunday in the park, this Saturday and Sunday in Hatfield Galleria. Saturday I walked 5,500 steps not counting any made at home. Sunday I walked 4,200 steps, again not counting any made at home. According to my pedometer (device counting steps you are taking) I have burned close to 500 calories the one day and 300 the next. My joints have been killing me and it was a task to stand on my feet later in the night - the pain was excruciating.

Yesterday I had coffee and a ham and mayo sandwich for breakfast, then a piece of melon and a bite of my daughter's banana before going out as I was starving. I held my appetite for lunch but as my baby's dad needed to finish his clothes shopping, lunch was delayed. I got an egg sandwich for my daughter and ate the corners around 1 pm.

We had lunch at 4.30 pm. We went at the American-Italian restaurant in the Galleria and they were surprised to see us second day in a row. Last night was my treat. I ordered the prawn starter (5 tiger prawns cooked in chilli tomato sauce). It was unimpressive and the first prawn along with some fries stolen off my daughter's plate and the top of her burger bun made me feel ill. Probably the small coke I had to drink had something to do with it, too. Luckily the toilets were nearby and on level ground and there was a free cubicle. The rest you can imagine. I went back to the table and got a lecture, as if being sick hadn't been enough. I was unsure whether I did want to eat. I was tired and mentally worn out. But I played it safe and ordered the New York Deli pizza which is paper thin and comes with a few slices of pepperoni, ham and smoked bacon plus a few pieces of mushrooms. My daughter was agitated because she was tired and fed up with being dragged in the shops instead of being left in her warm cocoon at home. I felt very embarrassed at the restaurant as she was crying loudly and everyone was looking at me with that why don't you do something look that I used to give parents when their children misbehaved (what goes around, comes around... poetic justice, eh?)

When we got home, I was really ill. My chest was burning and my cough was productive. Luckily I had bought an expectorant from Superdrug anticipating the need for it by the scratchy chest that I felt earlier whilst shopping. I got the penicillin out, too. Lucky to have kept the pills!

Just before midnight, I came down to sleep in the armchair to keep an eye over my daughter who tends to throw her bedclothes and cough to choking point in her sleep. The bag of nibbles that her dad had bought was winking at me and I had some toffee popcorn and a few chocolate nut clusters. Yes, I know, those are unchecked calories, but for heavens sake, I did not have too much to eat throughout the entire day and only had half a glass of beer when we got home. Am I wrong to feel indignation towards the upwardly mobile scales? I would like to point out this is not standard behaviour for me. The nibbling, not the indignation...

Anyway, my plans for this week are ruined - quelle surprise! No swimming for baby and I, no going out on a date on Thursday, plus it seems I have given my daughter's father the cold as he sounded pretty miserable this morning, too. I am annoyed at this as he has an important event coming up in his life - his other daughter's wedding. I feel like I am spoiling things for everybody. :(

OK enough of a moan now, time to go rest and take my medication.

November at last!

2006-11-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

I had many hopes for this month, seeing as it is my birth month with a milestone birthday nonetheless coming up...

However, I am at the same weight I was one month ago and October has gone by with putting on weight and then losing it. Ups and downs, ups and downs. Very tiring.

My surgeon may be coming over to give me another fill but the manufacturer of my band believes it has been placed wrongly and that is why it is not working. My options are to go to Belgium for tests and possibly new surgery or stay here and just take each day at a time never expecting any big surprises.

I am so fed up with throwing up. It is a regular occurence. This points to the band being too inflated and restricting the passage of food. However, the ability to eat large quantities is still present, so that contradicts the first supposition. I am confused.

To make things worse, I developed some sort of a visual migraine since yesterday. I had two episodes so far, losing my sight. The second episode lasted a lot longer than the first. I talked to my GP (family doctor) and he thinks I need to see the optician and if things do not improve go to him for a check up. He said it could be anything really - even a virus! Very distressing.

Till now I had the ability to load the baby in the car and take off when I felt too miserable - even if it was just going to the supermarket down the road. But with visual migraines, driving is a no-no. My first instinct is to just ignore it. I am so tired of being ill all the time. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have had enough.

Anyway, last night I was sorting the new pics and realised that I do look a lot slimmer. Here are two pics to prove that and to keep my morale up.

December 2005 at the foreground of the London Eye

November 2006 in Trent Park

Life in England

2006-10-02T01:43:00.000-07:00

It is coming up to 3 months since I had my weightloss surgery and it is nearly 3 weeks that I have been back in England. My progress is not astounding by any means, I am weighing 156.6 kgs on the home scales which may be a bit less on the hospital scales but I have to use the readings of one set of scales and go by that. So I have lost 17 kgs which brings me within the expected 6-7 kgs a month loss that I had been promised by the girl who recommended me to my surgeon.

Talking about my surgeon, I have stitches for his fur, as we say in Greece! He has completely let me down. He had promised me a written report for my GP in England but he never did it. He said he'd post it to me but of course that was a lie, too. I think he is afraid to write anything that might be used as proof that he performed the surgery and did not issue a tax (or any!) receipt for the cost.

I have also found out another company that is facilitating people living in Britain to have surgery in Belgium and the cost is slightly less or equal to what it cost me to do it in Greece, and I bet they give a receipt!

Anyway, forget about the surgeon, he is just a stepping stone over my river of troubles to the safe shore opposite. How is my eating going? Well, I seem to be eating larger quantities and I do a PB/vomit at least twice a week. But every day I treat it as a new day and try harder to make my brain and mouth communicate with each other. The way they behave (aided by the intervening hand) you'd think they've been married for 40 years and living separate lives! LOL

I get a lot of support from a Greek forum I have joined and that is why I don't blog as often any more. The world is so small via the internet...

Must dash now to get ready for my daughter's swimming lesson. She loves going to the pool, it is nice and warm and has steps to access the baby pool which makes it ideal for a toddler. Later on today I must get on with unpacking and putting together the IKEA beds I bought on Saturday - ahhh big job!

Till later

x

17 kgs lost - 86 kgs to go

Back 'home'

2006-09-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am back home (in England) now and feeling content. I have been quite active, going to shops and even went out and did a full grocery shop today on my own! The people who have seen me have noted the difference both physically and psychologically. I have been described as 'more agile' and 'happier'.

My meals have shrunk in size and I now realise that I can be full with just a small quantity when I don't push myself to eat. Chewing food well seems to be easier when I am calm.

The first thing I did when I arrived home was to get on my scales. They showed me 160 kgs and I got upset initially but then remembered that my scales have always showed me a kilo or slightly more than the hospital scales and anyway I was in a different country. When I adjusted the position of the scales I got a more acceptable reading and today it showed me 157.9 - hurray! Nearly 16 kgs lost in 2 months and 1 week.

Back on track

2006-09-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

I went to Athens today for a meeting that could have sorted out my financial worries and took the opportunity to get weighed. I am happy to announce that I am back on track! 158.750 kgs today.

I rang mom after the meeting to give her the news about the business deal. Instead of being nice to me she poured venom out, reminding me I am too fat and people will not want to do business with me. What can I say! I have a fantastic mom (not)!

Anyway, I ate a ham and cheese croissant (had had no breakfast so this was lunch) and was full before even finishing it.

In the evening mom brought down some food: two chicken legs (by leg I mean both thigh and leg), a piece of steak and about 8 courgettes. I argued with her that again she had given me too much food. She seems intend on overfeeding me. She got defensive and said that I didn't have to eat it all but could save some for tomorrow. Yeah, right, as if! Still I managed to stick one leg in the fridge and ate the rest of the food with some yoghurt and mustard sauce and washed it down with a can of Oranjeboom beer. I am telling you, after this feast I was stuffed, well and truly!

But now I know that I can eat with 7.5 ml fill and I can get full with a small quantity. So once I get over my head hunger, it will all be fine. I am working on it. Every day that passes I learn something new about my gastric band and how it works. So I may not have reached my goal of 150 kgs on departure from Greece (due Thursday) but I am down to 158 kgs and if you consider that two years ago I was 192 kgs... that is a massive loss of 34 kgs - so congratulations are in order :)

Total loss: 14.85 kgs - 88.75 to go

The meat is not enough!

2006-09-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

'Why are you cooking chicken in the oven, mum?' I asked earlier today.

'Because the meat is not enough!' came the answer, somewhere from within the vast apartment.

Today is Sunday and we had agreed to throw a few beef steaks on the barbie. It would be a good occasion to do this as I am leaving in a few days' time and this would be the last Sunday we could all celebrate together as a family. Furthermore, today would be the first day I could eat solids after my last fill.

At 11.35 am I already felt hungry. I had gotten up at 7.30 am when my daughter had sounded the alarm and had only had half a glass of chocolate milk and two rusks with some yellow cheese for breakfast.

I went into the kitchen, found the meat and poured a little bit of olive oil over it as it helps with grilling. There were many steaks in it, some of them united with a piece of fat. They were probably ribeye steaks. Anyway, once the preparation was done, I left them on the side and went to light the gas barbie. I must be the only one in my family who understands the principles of cooking on the barbie, so I knew it would take a good 15-20 minutes for the barbie to get sufficiently hot. Once it got hot, I put the steaks on, big flames ensued, I put the lid down and reduced the burners to the minimum setting, left it for 5 minutes, turned the steaks, turned off the gas and let them cook with the lid down. In another 5 minutes they were almost done, a perfect medium-rare with the juices glistening on top of the meat. As some members of my family like their steak well-done, I put the fire on for another couple of minutes and that crisped the underside of the steaks. Perfect! Or was it?

My younger brother informed me, as I was taking the meat indoors, that he was going for a walk and would eat later. Then my eldest brother decided he did not fancy eating at the veranda as it was too windy. No matter how I tried to reason with him that the wind was blowing the other side of the house, he was adamant that he would eat his lunch in his part of the apartment, alone. So that left mum, baby and me.

Mum made a comment about the meat. "What did you do with it, it seems so much more!" But it was still the same quantity she had bought, frozen and thawed - it is just she cannot really determine portions. Same as me. I had never realised that till the day the big love of my life made a comment about it. Then N. verified it by saying I was eating for two. We have always cooked for an army in my home so I never learned to limit the portions. And there had always been second helpings to which us, the kids, hurried towards, gulping our food without even swallowing lest we get left behind.

But why all these thoughts? Well, no sooner had we sat at the lonely table and I began feeding my daughter from my plate that mom came out with the most infuriating thing she has ever said.

"Now that you are going back, make sure you tell N. that we haven't been living off you, so he understands"

It took me a few seconds to realise what she had said. Then I blew my top off. I wasn't even aware how much her words had affected me until I felt a spasm in my stomach and my hand began trembling. Then I knew I was going to be sick and that it would be impossible to continue eating with her as if nothing had happened.

I rushed to the toilet, tears filling my eyes and had a PB. Then another. Then a third one. I sat on the toilet and felt miserable. Why can't we never have a quiet meal time in this house? Why has all my life been marked by stupid remarks, hatred, unconcealed emnity, jealousy and other negative feelings? I got up and turned on the hot water tap to rinse the bowl I had been using for the following PBs. I was so upset that after I had put the soapy bowl aside, I went and turned on the cold tap and Oouch! the hot water that had remained in the pipes scalded my hands and I screamed with pain. My brother asked what had gone on and I shouted back that I had just burned my hands. But as the apartment is vast, he heard 'I have cut my hands'. I struggled to convey the right message to him lest they thought I had attempted suicide. (As if I would give them that satisfaction!)

My mom was still in the veranda, asking if I would go and finish my food, telling my daughter to call me and coaxing her to eat her food. My brother was passing comments that I must have eaten something that had affected me. Fresh anger welled up in me.

So I would like to make a public statement: Mother, you have fucked up my life, you have fucked up the life of every one of your children!

She sits in judgement of us, saying he have achieved nothing in life. How dare she when it is she who has put all the obstacles our way?!!

I began throwing up (no longer PB) and it was violent, disgusting, suffocating. My belly began aching terribly and I was all alone except for my daughter who had approached the toilet bowl to see what was coming out of mummy's mouth but mummy was too exhausted and trembling all over to be able to push the baby away. The more I threw up, the more my muscles contracted till I was dry heaving. Mum stopped by the door to the bathroom and said laconically "I didn't cause that." With a few words she had wiped herself of all responsibility and had gone her way.

I cleaned myself and went to sit in the armchair in the long hallway. Mum began asking again what she should do about my food. Mind you, all this talking took place without ever laying eyes on each other, just talking loudly across corridors, doors and rooms. I told her to throw it away as I was no longer interested in eating. Then after a thought, I shouted that she should sell it off to make the money she's spent on us all these months.

I don't know how long I sat in the empty hallway with the clock behind my head ticking the minutes away. But mum shouted from within the depths of the apartment to go over and have some ice cream. Which is about the equivalent of offering heroin to a drug addict... I shook my head. This woman will never change, I told myself.

When I felt better, I gathered my possessions and made my way downstairs to my own flat. My brother carried my daughter down for me. On the way he kept asking what it is that I have eaten that has made me throw up. "You must have eaten whilst you were still digesting or you have overeaten," he concluded.

"No, my brother, I have done none of these. It is just our crazed mother who comes up with the most impossible things at the worst times," I explained in as calm a voice as I could master. Then I went on to tell him exactly what she had said to me and what the implication was.

You see, when you want to pay your way, she refuses and besides I didn't ask her to go into so much expense buying furniture and stuff for the child. I had been very specific that we needed nothing and what we needed I would buy when I got there. Then mum begins her woe-is-me charade, counting her expenses and saying how much she is spending, how difficult her finances are but continues to refuse financial assistance, just so she is not deprived of the masochistic pleasure of moaning about stuff. And if you dare complain about her ways the retort is "is that your thanks?!!"

Anyway, the bottom line is my Sunday has been screwed, my dream barbie has been screwed, and my life has been screwed. So I can't wait to go 'home' to England to be free, even if life has its difficulties and the loneliness is immense.

As for eating steak, well, I can go without. Whatever it takes... to be thin. To be free from the isolation cell into which my own mother has condemned me. If yoghurt and custard are the only things that I can eat, so be it.

Tomorrow I am having a meeting with one of the directors of the medical centre to see if there are any business opportunities there. And I am going to get weighed. Just to remind myself of my target in life.

Miracle cure

2006-09-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

I saw my surgeon today for what I thought was going to be the last follow up before I fly back to England. He commented that my body is taking shape but I complained that I felt heavier, so he pointed me to the scales. I stood on them and OMG! I have put on 3 kgs since last time!

I don’t know what is to account for this weight gain. OK let us discount the 2 kgs that I had lost due to vomiting. That leaves us 1 kg that I have truly put on. I do feel bloated and was constipated at the beginning of the week, so this may have something to do with it. Oh how I hope the weight is just waste material waiting to come out! LOL But my brain tells me differently. It points to the spaghetti Bolognese my mother sent me down a few days ago… a huge bowl and how I forced myself to eat most of it because of sheer gluttony. It points to the ice cream sticks I have been having. It points to the 2 cans of beer I had lately. It points to the heaps of cheese I ate the day before yesterday and yesterday along with fresh sesame bread. Anyway, whatever I have put on should be taken into consideration with whatever I should have lost in this period of time and when one looks at it this way, it looks rather grim, indeed.

It’s been a rough time for me ever since the beginning of September. The weather changed dramatically and it became more sober and less hot. The winds have picked up again. We had to bring out the blankets in the night and leave only a small part of the bedroom window open. Both my daughter and I have been sneezing. My sneezing is ought to clearing out my drawers and cupboards and dealing with dust dating from 1999. But my daughter got a slight cold, so out came the bodysuits for the night.

The days of my departure are approaching fast and I have been trying to partially pack our suitcases. It’s been a long ‘holiday’ without the holiday aspect. I am sad because I didn’t get to go to an open-air cinema or to have a beach break as I had wanted. I am also sad because I am leaving my mother and she is going to miss out on my daughter’s development over the next 10 months or so. I have invited her to visit us in winter but she says she is all out of strength and does not wish to leave her home.

I feel stressed for many reasons. One of them is I had two periods within a space of 20 days. Period 1 was heavy but lasted little. Period 2 (a fortnight later) was light but lasted longer. Obviously one cannot help but wonder what does this mean. Is it a missed period from June that had to appear now? Is it fibroids? Is it something worse? Or is it the menopause? A man would not understand these worries, but I am sure that females would be able to relate to it.

As for my general condition, that is not as good as it was. Like I said I am bloated, my feet and lower legs are swollen incredibly, my back is aching, my knees are killing me and I find it hard to mobilise again and, of course, resting in bed does not help as the back pain makes it uncomfortable to lie down for long stretches of time.

I just feel in need of a great big hug and the only person who can give it to me in England and I won’t be seeing him for a few days still. I so wanted to go back 150 kgs so that people would be able to tell the difference! I so wanted to be a success but so far I am just dilly dallying and I am not sure it is entirely my fault.

The gastric band is not a miracle cure it seems…

Anyway, I am going to see my surgeon for the last time next Wednesday and hopefully I will have some better news to report by then.

Wish me luck, please!

PS: I now have a fill of 7.5 mls and am not allowed solids for 3 days. Today is just liquids, tomorrow I may be allowed a yoghurt and the last day I must eat everything mashed.

Changes

2006-08-27T00:20:00.000-07:00

Major changes do not happen overnight, but sometimes you notice them as you wake up. For example, 8 weeks post-op and my first thought of the day is not about food any more. My breakfast is a leisurly affair. Sometimes I drink some chocolate milk (half a glass) at around 8 am and then I have lunch around midday and other times I have some choco pockets with milk (one dish) or like today I have 3 rusks with some cheese. I have no compulsive need to eat sweets or to snack between meals, though I may still snack on the way to serving my lunch.

After the latest fill adjustment, I can eat half of what I used to eat. It is a reasonable portion of a normal person without the starter and desert as there is no room for these. I guess I could eat 1/3 of the portion of starter, main, desert and still end up with the same calorie intake. I haven't had a chance to practise that, yet.

Do you remember me complaining about my belly being so big that it touched the seat before my bum had a chance to? Well that is history, now. My belly has shrunk and it is a joy to be caressing it and not be dragged down by its weight. My lap space has enlarged and my daughter can sit on it more comfortably and she can actually cuddle up to me, now.

Also do you recall me not being able to get a decent night's sleep due to back ache? Well, nowadays I can do 6 (yes, SIX!) hours of sleep in one stretch. And I can lie in bed an additional hour or two reading my books. In the past, I was unable to lie in bed for more than half an hour, maximum one hour.

N., do you remember the nights when I used to slip away to sleep in the armchair? Do you remember how you used to have to help me up and how long it took to stabilise my weight on my feet and to be able to mobilise myself? You were doing everything in your power then, to help me on a day to day basis, including washing me when I was in too much pain to do it myself. But one thing you could not do was make me lose weight. That is something that each person has to decide and act upon for themselves. But you gave me the greatest gift - our daughter! And my darling baby began helping me lose weight from the moment she was conceived.

192.2 kilos on 18 August 2004
185.4 kilos on conception, Sept. 2004
183.6 kilos on discharge from hospital after giving birth in July 2005
167 kilos on 13 August 2005 - when swelling from pre-eclampsia began receeding finally
180.9 kilos on 26 March 2006 - who said life with a baby is easy? PND (post natal depression was making me put on weight by not making careful food selections)
171.3 kilos on 30 May 2006
159.9 kilos recently

Over 32 kilos lost in 2 years without any special effort.

The picture in my profile was taken when I was 186 kilos 26 months ago. The following picture was taken on Friday. Can you see any difference?

Rectification

2006-08-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Today I had the gastric band loosened. My doctor had informed a colleague of his about my condition and I was seen first.

The doctor I saw was young, handsome and very nice. I had taken my daughter with me and he hugged her and stroked her cheeks and made cooing sounds at her. His secretary teased him that he is brooding. Oh well, nothing wrong with brooding, I say!

Anyway, he removed just over 0.5 ml of saline and now I can eat and drink again without vomitting but I think that I ate a lot less tonight. Well, I ate a piece of omelette with cheese, some french fries and some green beans in tomato sauce. The last two I helped myself twice to but both times it was a small portion. I refused the ice cream afterwards because I was very full. I did drink 3-4 fingers of beer, however.

Today I went swimming at the swimming pool and had a great time. My aunt helped me a lot with my daughter so I had a chance to actually do a few laps (read 2 laps in one go, in two seperate efforts) and for me that is a big thing as my bad knees do not make it easy for me to swim any more. I find that a froggy type of swim (what is it called officially? it is not the crawl, nor the butterfly swim) works best for me. It exercises my arms a lot but puts little pressure on my legs/knees.

It was great to be in the nature anyway, drinking a cold frappe coffee with lots of milk and sugar and eating a toasted ham and cheese sandwich. I ate very very slowly, remembering yesterday's marathon vomitting sessions that lasted well into the night (last night I would drink a sip of water and not ten minutes later I would be throwing it up... very bad situation. I was so thirsty but after 3 efforts to drink water, I resolved myself to having a dry night and morning.)

Anyway, I am a happy bunny because I weighed myself today and was -2 kgs since Tuesday (a kilo a day). And I also managed to fit into a size smaller suimsuit without any trouble. I am now wearing size 28 swimsuit which means I am probably a size 30 dress size. I felt good, what can I say? I looked at my reflection in the mirror and the back seemed so smooth and the buttocks have decreased in size dramatically. No wonder my back pains have gotten better the last few days! And have I written anywhere that yesterday I felt my knees for the first time? Till recently all I felt when I touched my knees was a big lump of fat but now I can actually feel a dip on their outside.

Thank God, my project seems to be working at long last! I am positive about the future. I know problems won't disappear just like that, that I still have to work on things to improve my life, but somehow it seems easier to do when I know that I won't be dragged down by fat.

Small steps everyday... that is all that is needed. I went through 9 months of pregnancy by taking it a day at a time. I can do this with my slimming and it doesn't matter how long it will be till I reach my target, I am determined to enjoy the journey. :)

Total loss: 13.65 kgs in 7 weeks (average: 1.95 kgs loss per week)

Mission: Abort!

2006-08-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to report that 6 ml is too tight on my German band. As I tried to eat some prawns with courgettes, they got stuck and I had my first proper series of vomiting. It was horrible. Not only did I throw up the food I had just eaten (3 prawns and half a courgette which looked more bulky than on the plate for some reason) but a lot of clear mucus, too. Disgusting! I am only telling you so you don't go experimenting with your body - just take my word for it.

I rang my surgeon and he was distressed to hear the news. He wanted to send me to the hospital to have it opened but I assured him that I could drink water/liquids (obviously there is always the risk of dehydration). He asked me to go there tomorrow morning to have 0.5 ml drained. He believes that that will be enough to find the golden mean.

Other than my stomach feeling heavy (like I have swallowed a tree stump) and my left temple aching, I am alright. I spent a lot of hours in bed today, reading. I did not feel like doing anything really.

Hunger!

2006-08-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

Trust me to go from one extreme to the other...

Yesterday, after my fourth fill, I could hardly swallow anything. All I had in the day was a glass of orange juice, a yoghurt, two glasses of milk shake made with chocolate milk and some ice cream and two slices of thin ham and two pieces of melon. The last two items got stuck and caused me great discomfort. Even water would not go down easily and when I had some cold water in the morning (in my usual trip from bed to sofa) I felt it was going to come out.

Today I ate 4-5 choco pockets (kind of cereal) dry, crunched to death and drank a gulp of water. Of course the water turned the dust into mud and it got stuck. When will I learn that I must not drink water immediately after eating? Anyway, later I made my daughter some fruit puree using 3/4 of an apple, two ripe peaches and one banana. She had a bowl of it and the rest I put in a tiny glass and stored in the freezer for later. So around 10 am I was ravenous and decided to eat something substantial. Eggs! Scrambled! They were soft enough and I ate them relatively fast as they didn't seem to cause trouble. Then I brought out the chilled fruit puree and tried some of it, too. Uh oh! Blockage on the bottleneck! I straightened my back, tried to keep calm and reduced the speed of eating with generous pauses in between. Eventually it went down and now I feel full.

I am thinking that I ought to ask my surgeon to take out 0.5 ml. Just to enable me to eat something, otherwise I'll be really weak if I have to survive on juices and milky products, plus we have my anaemia to think of. However, a part of me revels in this new state. A part of me says 'no, don't do it yet, let it stay like this for a week, ten days... that will give you a weight loss boost and then you can loosen the band and fall back on a more normal eating plan'. That part of me also tells me that maybe the band will loosen by itself and then it will be back to square 1.

I had thought at the beginning of my journey that I would like to return to England at 150 kgs. I don't think this is very possible but maybe 155 kgs is possible. That is 7 kgs away... and I have about 21 days left. A kilo every 3 days. Arrgh! Who am I kidding! It seems an impossible task!

Yesterday when I was getting dressed to go to the doctor, I felt the elastic around my waist slightly looser and was pleased. Then I thought it is probably looser because of the many washes. Because when I had given birth to my daughter, my mother sorted out the elastic band of this skirt and after a couple of weeks it nearly fell off my hips. I was more kgs then. So what is happening to my waist line? I blame the huge hernia in my belly for all the ills of dressmaking. But then again, we don't always lose weight in the same spot. Today I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror and thought my shoulders looked slimmer, like if they've lost their upper padding. I don't know. I am thinking too much.

It is too hot and there is hardly any breeze at all. I am going off line and will contemplate the task of driving to the swimming pool.

4th Fill

2006-08-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

I am very happy today. Even though I have been able to eat a lot more than I thought it would have been possible with a 4.5 ml fill, I have lost 2.250 kgs in two weeks' time. Without any effort.

I saw my surgeon today. He was in happy mood and that predisposed me well. We had to wait for a room to empty and he agreed to take out the saline to see if there had been any leakage. He put in 2 mls in a syringe and pulled the plunger... it filled to 8mls so he said there is no leakage, the system is working well. I questioned the 0.5 fill that went missing but he said everything is fine and pushed the contents of the syringe back in.

So now I have a fill of 6 ml. It makes drinking a bit of a problem as I keep burping and now that I've come home and drank a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, I felt like I was going to have a PB after the first big gulp. But I didn't. The surgeon has cautioned me to adhere on liquid diet today including yoghurt and to ring him by Friday to let him know how I am doing. He also commented that the fat around my belly was getting softer and I confirmed that lying on my side is much easier nowadays as I am closer to the surface of the bed. LOL

I am confident that with 6 ml I will be able to eat a lot less and mark faster progress. Fingers crossed! Now all I need is my aunt to come visit and clarify whether she intends to go on holiday with me or not. I have to have something more to remember out of this summer other than the wind, the heat and the stomach banding! :)

Total loss in 6 weeks: 11.650 kgs

It doesn't make sense

2006-08-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: half a glass of chocolate milk and one small bowl of chocolate cushions cereal (dry).

Lunch: boiled greens and leftovers of seafood selection. Also ate 3-4 breadsticks wrapped in wafer thin ham.

Mid afternoon: cold coffee with milk and sugar.

Dinner: 1.5 chicken legs with okra, tzatziki and one courgette. One slice of ham and one fork of minced meat from pan. 3 fingers of beer plus water.

Mom said that my dinner was too large for a person who is dieting and has a ring around her stomach. Minutes later she brings a vanilla ice cream cone... I said I was full, so she says 'give it to your daughter'. But daughter can't eat the nuts on top so I ate them for her. Then she lost interest midway through the cone so I finished the rest for her - it was a compulsive act, not hunger. I was already full, but still I ate it.

The surgeon said he was not worried, but why on earth am I able to eat so much? My intention was to eat 1 chicken leg with okra but as I was eating and feeding the baby who was making me trouble by feeding the dog and patting her fur then putting her hands in her mouth... I got stressed so I did not register the food that I was eating. I guess that is the excuse. My brain was absent from dinner. But still?

Tomorrow I hope to do better. If not, I am ringing surgeon for advice Friday before he takes off for his vacation.

At least today I managed to wash some clothes and tidy up my flat. But my feet are so swollen, just like the old days and my calf is aching so I am worried I might have another blood clot. I will hope not, I will put the aching to having strained my muscles but as my INR was below therapeutic level for so long, your guess is as good as mine.

My sister's feet are also swollen. She has prominent veins and lots of broken veins in her legs. Now she also has some weird red marks on her sheens which look terribly like lupus. For her sake, I hope it is not, but she won't go see a doctor.

Today I tried to talk to her and explain my eldest brother's feelings. He took offense because as usual my sister came for a few days and began directing the household. I told her that sometimes her motives are good but the way she goes about it causes friction and others won't accept she is right because she is rubbing them the wrong way. I should be preaching to myself as I am guilty of the same at times. But I don't want my siblings to be angry, I hate people fighting/arguing. Why can't we get along?

Then there is the war that Israel is waging against Lebanon. My aunt Mary is so against Arabs and she kept saying the most stupid things this evening like 'well Israel warned them to leave the places they were going to bomb so it is their fault they have stayed.' She is making so many assumptions: that the people could actually leave, that the dead people were only in the areas that the warnings were made for, etc. Who gives the right to anyone to bomb civilians and destroy lives? I don't care if Moslems are wearing scarves and believe in Allah, they are still people. I love Lebanon - don't ask me why because I don't know. It hurts me to see that country suffer so much. The world is standing by as a spectator and I sometimes feel all alone in my frustration. Every day there are so many injustices going on in the world and we are just standing by, closing our eyes, thinking how lucky we are they are not happening to us.

It is no wonder, therefore, that I desire peace at home.

Rectification - 3rd fill

2006-08-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

Finally I saw my surgeon today and he removed the last(?) remaining stitch, not without it smarting, though. He commented that I am making good progress and that I looked slimmer. He asked me if I wanted another fill. I explained that I had one last week and we discussed the quantities of food I am able to eat then concluded that another 0.5 ml fill would be beneficial. He wants me to ring him in 4 days time to let him know how smaller my portions have gotten after this fill so we can plan for the future. Apparently I should now be eating 30% only of a man's portion. We'll see.

I asked my surgeon how come I can see the filling drum. He said he had to implant it relatively shallow in order to manage the fills. He told me that later on we could readjust its depth if that turned to be a cosmetic problem for me but first he'd like me to lose a bit more weight.

I am eating some cerial with milk as I am typing this. I have to eat watery and soft foods for 3 days till the ring adjusts again. I have a lot of trapped wind and feel as if I can't really eat, so I am not forcing it, I am taking it slow. Luckily I am doing alright with water intake, drinking 1.5 litres every day plus a glass of milk and a glass of coffee.

My weight today was 164.2 kgs, not too bad, though I had expected a bigger loss. I guess not going to the toilet in the morning affects the weight and I do feel it. Must be stress that stops me going to the toilet because when it is not a fill/weigh in day, I have absolutely no problem!

Met two sisters today and they both had the lapband last year. One of them had to have a review surgery as it had slipped. She had lost 40 kgs in 6 months and was vomitting a lot, so that dislodged the ring. Her sister had lost 32 or 35 kgs in one year and had had no problems. If I could dare hope, I'd like to lose a lot of weight... maybe 50-60 kgs in the first year so that there is only about that much to lose in the second year. But it has to be done safely. I was also thinking that as my legs are suffering the effects of weight loss, that should be the first part I ought to consider getting plastic surgery on. If things go well, I might even be able to have this surgery by Easter next year. They say the legs hurt the most... They also have the tendency to sag again after some time but I guess this is something that I ought to investigate in the long winter months.

Not eaten all of my cerial and already feel full. I think I have managed 2/3 of the bowl and I must admit I put more quantity than a normal portion (if we consider what comes out of a fun pack a normal portion, e.g. 30 grams of dry cereal). OK, 10 minutes later I managed the rest of the portion but now I am at bursting point. Arggh! greediness!

Total loss in 1 month: 9.4 kgs

It works!

2006-08-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first PB (productive burping) and it ended up in gentle vomiting. I brought up the chocolate ice cream cake that I had eaten 2 hours after lunch and the pan au chocolat. My band works! Hurray!!

I really don't understand myself. I feel like there are two people in me: the one that knows she has to diet and lose weight and the other who wants to continue the previous life without much thought.

So today I was driving back from Kifissia having picked up our new passports and mom asked me to stop at AB in Erythrea. Next to AB is a new boulangerie that looks quite yummy. So I said I was going to check it out whilst mom picked a couple of things from the supermarket next door. I go into Eric Kayser's boulangerie and I am stunned by the artistic displays. So I buy a tsoureki, some croissants, a pan au chocolat and a bacon pattie. The time was 11.30. I meet mom in the car, she says she is cooking macaroni with tomato sauce and cheese. She has this special way of serving it by pouring hot butter over the dish and thus making the cheese melt. Well, who can resist that? So I put the thought of breakfast away, but I couldn't help myself whilst she was getting lunch ready and I ate the bacon pattie. It was good. Not fantastic as it was cold. Then I tried to be sensible for lunch but I drank a couple of fingers of beer and ate a plate of macaroni. I did not feel heavy or anything, more thirsty so I drank 2-3 glasses of cold water. We went to lie down as is the custom in Greece. Mom has airconditioning at home so I sometimes prefer to join her for a nap. Got up an hour later. Thirsty. Got some water. Then saw the ice cream cake I had bought yesterday (to celebrate my daughter's first proper shoes)... That was it. Out comes the knife and a piece of chocolate ice cream cake goes on a plate. Half an hour later baby wakes up so I give her something to drink and give her a piece of croissant. Without thought, part of it goes in my mouth. Then some more... and more. Suddenly I feel pain inside and I want to burp but can't. I think if I stand up and calm down the pain will go away. Nope. It doesn't. Baby makes a mess by throwing my glass of water on the floor. Mom starts yelling at me but all I can think is 'quick, get to the toilet!' True enough, I got there just in time. After three waves, I felt better. Mom was upset and said dryly that the band is working and that should teach me. Yes, it is working. And sadly I can no longer eat pastry products and get away with it. So goodbye to lots of pointless calories. I gave mom the Eric Kayser loot with my best wishes.

I am not eating tonight. Believe it or not, I am still full. It baffles me how I can eat a little and be alright and sometimes eat huge quantities and desire more. My other self will always put her hand out to reach food - any food. I must stop her. But I realise it will take time to unlearn habits of a lifetime.

Strangely enough, I feel good this evening, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know now I can trust the band where I can't trust myself. That is a great consolation.

Make up and Purgatory

2006-08-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

I went to get my daughter. She had been with Angela, my friend. Angela had her make up kit open. My daughter sat in front of her. When I looked at my daughter's face it looked like a puppet's, with eye shadow, rouge, lipstick... I got upset. Angela told me off. She said kids love to have their faces made up. I said 'kids' not 'babies'. I took a wet wipe and began taking the make up off my daughter's face. She was not happy. I was not happy, either. How dared Angela do something to my daughter without even consulting me?

My daughter got fed up with me messing up with her face and said 'ase me!' (let me be!) I was so taken aback. My daughter had spoken after a long period of regression to babbling. I hugged and kissed her and showed her how happy I was she was once again communicating but she ran away from me. I began chasing her but the distance grew larger and larger. We were by the seaside, I was on top of the road, she was already on the beach. There were too many bathers and it was hard to keep visual track of her. I was shouting 'stop her! please somebody stop her!' One lady picked her up. I wanted to get closer but it was difficult to do so without jumping down the wooden staircase and I had my knees to consider even though at the time of the chase I did not feel the pain. I had the strongest feeling that my daughter did not want me, she did not love me.

Then I was in a strange place that looked like an ancient theatre only it was enclosed and darker and painted in vivid colours. I began my descend wondering if this is what Purgatory is like. I saw a couple of puppets dressed as priests. They were not exactly Christian Orthodox priests, more like a caricature of a priest and a transfaith caricature at that. I felt that I was going to meet the big man himself, the Pope(!) I saw some fish en croute being moved on a conveyor belt. People were mumbling. I wondered is this what happens when you die. You get covered with shortcrust pastry and then judged? Then I heard a voice comment: 'it does not matter how you end up, what matters is how you began.' Then I woke up shaken and broke into tears.

This nightmare came out of the blue. I wondered what did it mean about me and my daughter.

This is the second time I have dreamt we have been separated. The first time was months ago when I saw a lady stealing her pram and running away and I was unable to catch up. When I caught up with some ladies and prams every child that I thought was my daughter turned out to be similar but different till I no longer knew what my daughter looked like and had no hope of recovering her.

It is daytime now, the birds are tweeting outside, the trees are shimmering under the morning rays of the sun, their leaves dancing under the slightest breeze. I want to go collect our passports and then escape to the beach. I need to spend time alone with my daughter. The spirits at home are too excited and we are at self combustion point. Put heat and too many people together and you have an instantly explosive combination.

As for my diet, well I am eating less, but I am still feeling guilty and dissatisfied. I wish I could go back to eating 3/4 of a pot of yoghurt and feeling full... that would be my ideal. The thought that the lapband operation has not worked or the band itself is faulty won't leave my mind. The only thing that can alleviate this thought is if I weigh myself Monday and find that I have lost say 3 kilos. That will be good. But how will it happen if I am not hungry? How can it happen unless I suffer?

I am slowly drifting away from everything. Message boards, online friendships... won't even bother checking my mobile for messages any more as I know there won't be any. There is this great big void inside that nothing seems to fill and now that food is not an option, it has gotten harder to ignore.

2nd Fill

2006-07-31T01:32:00.000-07:00

Today saw the removal of the forgotten stitch that was deep in my belly button. My surgeon was not there, so I got to see Mr Tasioulis, a very gregarious surgeon who removed the stitch without me feeling anything! He also gave me a fill of 2 ml. At first he was reluctant to give me a fill so soon after my first fill. However, when I explained my logic behind my request, he agreed to it.

So now I have a total of 4 ml in the lapband... if I don't see a difference in my eating ability, the next step is to get a barium X-ray to determine the location/condition of the band and if there is something wrong with it to arrange its removal/replacement. The acid test will be lunch: mashed potatoes and meat in lemon sauce...

Anyway, I weighed myself and realised that last time I had misread the scales so I have not lost all that tremendous amount of weight I thought (but did not really believe) I had. I have only lost 7.7 kgs since my operation which is nothing compared to other people. If I had dieted for 3 weeks I would have lost about 12 kgs or maybe a bit more. Anyway, I can't live life with ifs and buts. I'll just have to make an effort this week and see what happens.

Gripes

2006-07-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note of my feelings these last few days: I found out the surgeon has forgotten to remove one of the deepest stitches in my belly button. It has gotten infected, of course. I can tell by the smell that is so characteristic of fungal infection of the belly button. My belly button is so small now that I can't clean it effectively or even dry it. I am worried how he will take out the stitch when I see him Monday. Will he have to slash my skin to get to it? Will it cause pain and discomfort? Of course I am not easy about it. Of course I am bloody worried about it!

I feel that I have made a big mistake. He's infected me with cellulitis in the lower belly. This wouldn't have happened if the theatre had been properly disinfected and they had followed strict procedures. I had cellulitis in the sheens and he knew that. He should have been 10x more careful. But what do I know? I am only a lay person. I have asked my friend Richard to research the subject for me but he is busy with his work so I guess I'll have to wait till I go back to England to go to the British Library and do my own bit of research.

This surgeon seems to care about operating as many people as possible regardless of their suitability. Heck, I've seen so many skinnies in his surgery who were up for the op! The more I read about the lapband procedures abroad, the more I know things are not 100% right here. And what about the scars he's left me with? My stitches took a lot of stress when I was coughing and coughing and the result is that the scars now look stretched. Horrible sight.

I am sorry, I am probably causing most of my anxiety and in a few days' time I will be all calm and collected again but right now I am feeling crap and wanted to record this for posterity. Maybe it is part of the course, maybe it is not. I have nothing to compare it with. But that £5000 that I spent to have the op and pay for my travelling and living costs whilst here is not money that I am likely to see again, is it? It was money earned with sweat and tears and I was willing to sacrifice it for the right purpose but was this the right thing to do?

I wish someone could understand my predicament and how I feel! It is awful. I don't wish this to anyone, not even my enemy.

I will stop now. I must force myself to sleep although sleep evades me lately. And I know that a couple of hours in bed will make my back ache so much that even shifting position will cause me to cry out loud. Baby is upstairs with her granny tonight as my electrical wiring got faulty and I was worried to let her sleep here.

Goodnight world. Let's hope tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Oops!

2006-07-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

Bread. The killer. I ate some bread for lunch and it stuck in my stomach. Then I ate a whole half baguette sandwich for dinner. Tried to chew well and take my time. Hmm... Well, it didn't work. It got stuck again. We are talking about pain and discomfort that made me wince. My baby thought I was playing a game and copied my expression. I had to get up. I thought I was going to have my first food return. I didn't. But I learned a valuable lesson: don't push it, damn it! (And don't drink water when bread is stuck, because it makes things more sticky.)

Sigh

Apart from this, baby's dad made contact. Thank heavens he is alright! He was in the countryside, recuperating at relatives', no access to internet and no phone charger with him. Of course it was not possible for him to ring me from his relatives' home but at least he realised what hell he's put me through. I expect an extra special treat when we next meet - hopefully something that is not edible. Something sparkly would be nice... heheheh

Breaking point

2006-07-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

I am at bursting point!

My daughter's father has gone missing. I don't know where he is, he won't answer his phone and he has not been online. Our last communication was on Wednesday, so it is 4 days without news. My e-mails, texts, voice mails remain unanswered. He had been very ill and I am worried sick he may be lying in hospital somewhere (or worse) and I'll never find out.

I want to eat. My mother brought down enough food for 2 (or enough for the old me). I am struggling to stay by the laptop and not venture into the kitchen and devour the second portion. But how am I supposed to vent my frustration? Nobody's taught me that. My mom always fed me when I cried as a baby. She does the same with my daughter now and I argue with her because I can smell my daughter has soiled her nappy and realise her crying is for a nappy change - not food. Or she wants water, company, sleep... There are so many needs to fulfil and food is not the answer.

I am strong. I can deal with almost anything - uncertainty exempted.

The thought that something bad may have happened is tearing me to pieces. I yelled at him last time we chatted. I was tired and unable to tolerate things that would normally not bother me. The passion may have died a long time ago, but I do love and value him as a person.

I hope to have news soon.

Stitches Off!

2006-07-21T06:11:00.000-07:00

Yes! The stitches are finally off, day 14 post-op. It hurt a bit as they had receeded into the skin but I was a brave girl and did not give my surgeon a hard time.

Before and after pics. The filling drum is located under the plaster. The yellowishness is just Betadine which the surgeon used to disinfect the area before removing the stitches.

I climbed on the scales and thought it read 155 kgs but it was probably 165 kgs and my eyes were playing up. Anyway, I have lost a bit more weight. (How much weight exactly is a thought that will torture me till I get to another set of scales to verify the result!)

The surgeon gave me my first fill as I had been able to eat anything I wanted in large quantities. It seems my stomach healed faster than normal and he thought it a good idea to give me 2 ml of saline. The injection did not hurt at all. I was told to stick with watery pureed food for at least 3 days so my lunch date with my friend had to be postponed for the mid to end of next week.

I felt so elated coming home today! I sang to my daughter and cuddled her and she was so happy she began dancing in her cot.

As I had missed breakfast, when I got home at 11 am I made myself a frappe (it is a cold coffee that looks very much like a Guiness; Greek people drink it a lot in summer.) I ate 2 tiny croissants and later on I drank another half glass of cold water and took 2 more croissants. After this I felt really full and the fullness lasted till 3 pm when I had 3/4 cup chocolate milk. Now it is 4.30 and I am feeling a little bit hungry but not desperately. I plan to eat some yoghurt for dinner and maybe put a peach in the blender with some fresh milk to supplement my protein intake. I want to do it right this week.

You know how sometimes we eat because we are worried about stuff and food becomes our only release? Well the past few days I had been worried sick about two of my good friends.

First one was coming to Athens for the open heart surgery of her 3.5 year old son who was born with a hole in his heart. She had waited a long time for this operation and even on the day they kept her waiting till late afternoon, but, thank God, all went fine and the boy is recovering.

My second friend was due to give early birth by caesarian. Fortunately things went well for her, too, even though the baby had to be taken into neonatal intensive care and be put on oxygen. I visited her this morning; she looked good for a woman who had given birth the day before. It was not possible to see her son and I did not want to stay too long and tire her.

Everything went well with the help of God and prayer. Thank you Sandra and Neil for adding your prayers to mine!

A Wise Woman

2006-07-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Nearly 3 years ago my then boyfriend took me to Wiltshire as there is a shop that sells clothes for large women in one of the White Horse villages. I can't remember the name of the village or the name of the shop but I will never forget the owner.

She was a grandmother, slim, active. She told me she used to be a big woman but one day she decided to do something about her weight when she realised she would not be around long to enjoy her grandchild. It was impossible to believe this lady was once fat. She told my boyfriend off for not encouraging me to lose weight and he was taken aback as nothing could be further from the truth.

Anyway, to make a long story short, this lady was more concerned about my health and future than selling clothes. She said something that I will never forget, something that now I tell other women I meet: "you will only lose weight when you truly want it, nobody can make you do it, just yourself".

How true that is!

That trip to Wiltshire was one of the most memorable moments in my life. We had the best time. My boyfriend had booked us into a manor hotel on top of a hill and the views over the valleys below were stupendous! There was a spa on site and I remember facing the long staircase to the swimming pool with dread. I was already using my walking stick then.

We saw many beautiful places like Bradford upon Avon as well as Stonehenge. My eyes filled with beauty and on our way back we made a stop at a postcard perfect village in the Cotswolds called Bibury. Bibury's highlights are a row of preserved stone houses as well as a trout farm where you can fish your own meal.

My boyfriend said he had never seen me so elated as when I was feeding the swan and ducks or fishing trout. I spent 3 hours on my feet in that place and, although I was tired in the end, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

This would have been the last time in my life that I would be able to stand for long periods of time or walk distances. My health deteriorated rapidly thereafter to the point that I could not get out of the car unassisted (he had to physically pull my feet out and support me to a standing position and it took a good 5 minutes before I was able to mobilise and that with a lot of pain, taking baby steps.)

I lost valuable time in my life, not through obstinance but through lack of information. It was not until the TV began showing programmes about people doing weight loss surgery that I realised there might be a way out for me. But my doctor was not convinced and then I got pregnant.

My baby helped me lose a significant amount of weight in the months that I was carrying her. I dropped from 192 kgs to 167 kgs - 423 lbs to 368 lbs - in 9.5 months. I could not believe my eyes when I asked the physios to take me to the scales after I had given birth. My cry of joy was heard all over the hospital.

I am writing this to remember. And to thank my daughter for coming into my life and brightening it up, despite the difficulties. I am doing it for her, because I want her to live a good life, not a life of regrets and self-imposed barriers.

Remember, Reader, if you are concerned about your weight and the way your life has turned out, only you can change it when you are good and ready for it!

On the other hand, there is no better time than now :)

Day 8 Post-Op

2006-07-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am not even sure I should be counting the days post-op any more as I am as near to normal as ever. Back is aching, feet/sheens are swollen and appetite is back.

I hate myself for succumbing and eating when I should be careful, regardless of the band...

Today I had some sesame baguette with butter for breakfast. It was so delicious, I almost gulped it down without chewing and of course a bit of it got stuck in my throat. Just when I was thinking 'aren't I lucky I don't have vomitting!' Didn't vomit, but had to chase the bread with some pomegranate and grape juice and suffer pain on my oesophagus for a few minutes. I had two bowls of meat soup followed by a cup of ice cream for lunch. Oh and I did eat some more sesame bread (seems to be my downfall!)

The weather has changed to the better as the winds have died down and the heat has returned. This of course has turned my mind to the subject of holidays as I have been promising myself to make up for wasting yet another summer by taking a winter break.

I found info about the island of St Martin and spent hours and hours last night viewing pics and reading about it. It seems like a piece of Paradise dropped on Earth! How I'd love to go there but it is expensive and would I love it the same if I was there all on my own? But who knows what can happen till winter! :)

I am trying to 'see' myself thinner. I even went online and browsed clothes, thinking that perhaps by winter I will be size 26 (I am currently wearing 32/34).

I found some old photos as I was clearing up my bookcase today - pics of the time I was so much slimmer. I remember my parents bitching me about being fat then instead of being happy to have a healthy and happy daughter. Ah well... I also found my old Weight Watchers cards and believe it or not there was a time I was close to 100 kgs. Damn! If only people would have accepted me as I was then, how different my life would have been! But no use dwelling on the past when we have the future to look forward to, right?

OK I am just babbling now... but can someone please tell me off for eating without thought? I feel so guilty and yet I am making excuses for myself. I don't know if it is 'normal' behaviour or I am being just my old self. It would have been nice if there was a support group or support line I could ring and find out but these things are luxury in Greece.

Day 7 Post-Op

2006-07-14T03:22:00.000-07:00

Recovering well. Mood is optimistic.

Doctor said yesterday that some people do get depressed after their surgery and have thoughts that what they did was a mistake but it soon passes. He disputed my theory that the antibiotic was getting stuck in the narrow part of the stomach, though. Oh well, 1 in 2 isn't too bad! LOL

My back is aching again. I think doing the housework AND taking my daughter on a buggy ride was a bit too much the other day. Still I am managing a stretch of 4.5 hours in bed every night before discomfort sets in. Then I do my usual: go to the sofa, put my feet up on the armchair, get a pile of cushions under my unsupported arm, stick a pillow behind my head and off I am in the Land of Nod. Couple of hours there, then back in bed, then back in sofa. I am sleeping a lot better than I have done in a very long time. And like I said for me it is important that most of the night is spend in bed as that is improving my circulation and is giving my spine a rest.

Today I mixed the clear meat soup with some mashed meat and vegs that I had frozen and added some lemon juice and an egg and it made a tasty thick soup which I ate adding some sesame french bread in it. OK nowhere in my instructions says 'bread' in this week but wet bread should be fine...

I also made some chicken soup using a whole skinned chicken with one onion and lots of water. I didn't put any salt in as I had none downstairs but when I tasted the soup it tasted just fine and I could have sworn it contained salt!

I am drinking water as per my doctor's advice. I have 2 x 750 mls bottles which I keep in the fridge. Last night I drank most of the one bottle and this afternoon I have drank about half of the other bottle. Slowly I hope to be able to drink both bottles in one day and more.

Day 6 Post-Op

2006-07-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Today saw the removal of 4 of the 6 gauges. Surgeon said I am healing well and asked me to go next week to have the stitches removed. He normally uses absorbable stitches, but because I am so big, he felt it was better to be safe than sorry. Fair enough! Also he told me that in two weeks' time I should go to have my first fill. He warned me that as the days go by, my appetite will increase and I should not let that worry me as it is natural.

His scales showed me to be 167.4 kgs which means I have lost 6.2 kgs from Saturday or 5.4 kgs from 4th July. (Post surgical weight goes up due to swelling.) I don't know why I was disappointed with the weight loss. I felt like I had lost closer to 10 but thinking about it 5 kgs is not bad, is it? And the loss shows on my face: my cheeks have become less puffy and the same can noted all over my body; it looks more contoured instead of angled - smoother.

Bad news is that cellulitis has struck my lower belly and that is why it has been so swollen and painful. Damn cellulitis! For those who don't know what it is, it is an inflammation of the skin cells that makes them retain water and swell. It is caused by staphylococcus or streptococcus bacteria entering the skin through a cut and antibiotics are not very good at treating it (as I have painfully found out since last year when the problem with my sheens became an issue). But I am not going to cry or give up! God is great and with His help everything will be alright.

This picture was taken yesterday morning when my two good friends came to visit me. Angela is the one holding my daughter. The older lady is Val. She is in her 90s and has been very famous in Athens as an amateur singer/performer. We had many years of fun as members of the same musical society and I was privileged to have been not only a co-performer with them, but their director as well.

Day 5 Post-Op

2006-07-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

Another night with coughing fits but much better overall. Earlier in the evening I had a lot of heaviness in my belly and it felt rock hard. Fortunately I had a Ponstan handy (painkiller) and that sorted things out. Friends thought that I had gotten too stressed about stuff and that had an impact on the way I felt.

Today I woke up feeling good and optimistic. I opened up windows and curtains and mom was surprised to find me busy doing housework. It is true, under different circumstances I wouldn't have bothered as the weight sort of drags you down and you can't do much even when you want to. But I am not the same person now, am I? :)

I must thank my friends for supporting me last night with phonecalls and messages - you know who you are; you are wonderful and I love you and I am grateful to you for being there for me.

Time to eat something (probably the 2/3 of total yoghurt left from last night) and then enjoy a good shower before going upstairs to see my daughter. It's lunchtime and all I have had to drink since 8 am were two small glasses of chocolate milk. I feel more in control today but that could change when I see what my mom has cooked... LOL

I hope to take my daughter for a ride in her buggy later on. Never done that (except whilst walking hospital corridors or supermarket aisles.) Part of me wonders why I want to do it but I know that as the pounds are dropping, I will be gaining in energy and there is nothing wrong with trying a bit more activity each and every day.

Day 4 Post-Op

2006-07-11T01:57:00.001-07:00

Had a much better night's sleep and a lot less pain and wind expulsion. Seems that 2/3 of a carton of yoghurt was an ideal quantity to stave my hunger without causing heaviness. However, I had a very strange sensation in my head and it felt like I had very high blood pressure. I found my pills and took one before going to bed as I had forgotten to take it in the morning of Day 3.

I had quite a coughing fit in the night whilst on the sofa and blew my nose well several times. It seems I have a little cold.

This morning I managed to have a good shower but lost one of the dressings in the process. I am waiting to ring the consultant to ask him whether I should replace it or leave the stitches covered by just the strips of adhesive tape till I see him.

So far I have had 1/3 of yoghurt, a small glass of juice and about 200 mls of chocolate milk. I got thirsty last night and noticed that now I can injest bigger gulps of liquid without as much pain.

I have done my injection and have taken the antibiotic and blood pressure pill. Only 2 more antibiotic pills to go!

My one gripe today is that my bellybutton has migrated south and is just over my pubic area! I am sure this is not the way my belly was pre-op. I have some pictures saved which I am going to consult to see whether it is true or not. Anyway, my lower belly feels hard and difficult to manage. I hate the feeling of my belly sitting on a chair before my bum reaches it :(

What have I done to myself, oh God! How could I let Your creation get into this state?

---

I am very depressed. I went upstairs to see my daughter and began crying for no reason. I feel so miserable! Must be the lack of nutrients causing a chemical imbalance in my brain.

My daughter was very naughty. She's gotten used to getting her own way with her gran and cries if you tell her off. But what do you do when a toddler keeps throwing food out of her playpen onto the freshly cleaned floor? [ignore it, yes, I read the book... just let me call the author here and see how she reacts!]

I fed her some cod in breadcrumbs that my mom had cooked for lunch. It was an inspiration as I had eaten most of the crumbs (chewing slowly) off one piece and it was an easy way to hide the traces. I know... I am awful! But it is very hard to control myself sometimes. Will I ever gain control over my desires? *sigh*

Had some ice cream, too. And some water an hour later. The instructions given to me say you must not take liquids with your food.

I came downstairs to some bad news: the consultant in the UK has refused to treat me on my return. He said that since I had my surgery done privately, the only way to see me is as a private patient.

More depression and tears. I am all out of money. So that means I won't get followed up properly (I have doubts about my surgery and sometimes feel as if I have done a very big mistake in my haste to lose weight).

The poor die every day, mom says, the rich only once...

I put a post on a forum about this and some people responded with unsympathetic comments. I'd like to see them in my shoes one day... Life has shown me that what goes around, comes around!

I had some meat broth that I cooked at lunchtime. Coughing has recommenced. I don't know what to do. I just wish I felt better, that is all.

I am so lonely...

Day 3 Post-Op

2006-07-10T10:29:00.000-07:00

Had a cup of watermelon and melon juice squeezed out of the fruit itself so I could take my antibiotic. I hate the feeling of the pill getting stuck in my stomach. Did my injection. Mom brought me some special plasters (waterproof) to put over dressings to enable me to shower. Very expensive at 2 euro a piece and I need 6 pieces so each shower will be costing me 12 euro (about 8 quid). Arggh! At least it won’t be forever.

I had very strong burping last night and it was so painful! I just hope it will all settle down soon. Today my shoulders/neck are painfree.

Mom summoned me upstairs as my daughter was misbehaving. As soon as I went there and smelled the food and saw the fridge laden with goodies, my will was bent. I opened the fridge and snacked on whatever was there: salami (I spat it out as it is impossible to chew well), seafood pieces (I chewed them well), ham. In the stove there was a big pot of basmati rice with chicken pieces. I fished some pieces out and put them on a little plate with two spoons of Total yoghurt. Mmm, what divine lunch! Then I had some chocolate and vanilla ice cream and because my daughter was jealous I went and took a second portion and shared it with her. A few hours later, exhausted from trying to keep up with a toddler, I tried to feed her some custard but she was not much interested in it as she was tired. Mom put her to bed at 5 pm and I snacked on some more chicken. I hated myself for having such low self control but loved the texture and taste of the chicken cubes as they melted in my mouth.

I came down to my flat and poured myself some pomegranate and grape juice without bits. For some reason, it is more painful to injest liquids than solids. I was led to believe it would be the other way round. However, I must remember the target of 2.5 litres of fluid a day (yeah, right!) My only consolation in this period of recovery is the Internet. My belly aches still as it is drawn downwards by gravity and the stitches are being stretched. Getting kicked by my daughter did not help either….

I had a mixed bowel movement much to my relief. I stole a glance to the mirror to see if my body was changing. Perhaps it is too early yet. But should I be worried for my earlier feeding frenzy? I am not supposed to eat anything solid at this stage, what am I doing? Have I spent all that money for nothing? Have I put myself under the knife for nothing? I am a bit disappointed in myself and my only excuse was that I was starving.

So the desire to eat the food remains... I must remember that.

It is 8.30 pm and I just warmed myself a cup of chicken broth which I am sipping slowly. I took my antibiotic and I can feel it is stuck in the narrow part of the stomach. It is hurting my insides. I wish I could pulverise the pill but it comes with strict instructions not to do so. *sigh* Still I only have to be on antibiotics for another few days.

Today I forgot to take my blood pressure pill. Sometimes I am totally unable to take care of myself. *double sigh* At least I transferred my blog entries and I can now start giving the link to friends. I wonder whether I have gone into too much detail but I want to remember the details. They are important to me. Now all that is left is to upload the pic of my belly with the dressings in the shape of a cross. Not sure how to do that but tomorrow is another day. Anyway I promised to ring my friend whose young son will be undergoing open heart surgery in two weeks' time.

I hope tonight I can sleep through. I hope my mind will be free of thoughts and worries. I hope my stomach will not feel like it is made of lead. I hope tomorrow I will feel perky and willing to do a bit of tidying up in the flat. I hope I can make this operation work for me.

Oh God, how I wish to be well, please help me be strong!

Day 2 Post-Op

2006-07-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning I woke up feeling still stiff, had a sip of water and slowly drank 2 fingers of cocoa milk which caused too much burping. Took my antibiotic and painkiller. Mom brought down some chicken broth. I had a cup of it around 11.30 am but it brought strong burping. Was hungry/thirsty though so gave myself another cup about an hour and a half later. Put on compression stockings with difficulty due to limited movement of my belly which is in the way, experiencing ringing in my ears. Realised that my blood pressure must be up so hurried to take my pill.

Have lots of flatulence and feel the need to use the toilet but can’t put pressure on muscles. I am hoping antibiotic will damage intestinal flora and cause some diarrhoea. Can’t take shower as pharmacy did not stock special sticky plasters to cover wounds. Gave myself fraxiparin injection to prevent blood clots.

General feeling today is of mild depression. Like I don’t know what will happen from now on. I am hoping for the best but really can’t predict the future. Glad my sheens are slimmer but calves are still swollen, maybe the stockings are not well designed.

Mom said I look slimmer on the face. No wonder, without food for 2 days! She is struggling with baby and all her other commitments and said I should be thanking God she is around to help me. I am.

Going to get another cup of soup as it is easier to drink than plain water or cocoa milk. At least it should contain some more nutrients. I remind myself of the big gulps of drinks I used to take… LOL nowadays it is sip, rest, sip… Two hours for a cup of soup today compared with two hours for a couple of fingers of milk yesterday.

Afternoon I am feeling better muscle-wise but belly feels hanging low and swollen. Managed to go outdoors for a while and sit in garden to watch my daughter play in her paddling pool. I switched on the sprinkler system to water the lawn a bit. It felt good to be outdoors.

My urine is still dark in colour, hopefully not through bleeding. Had light diarrhoea earlier. Wind expulsion continues. Had some melted ice cream without much trouble. I tried to eat some crème caramel for dinner but it wouldn’t go down so I stopped after 2-3 spoons.

Had lot of heaviness in stomach at night and woke up with pounding in my head. Went to sofa and was unable to fall back to sleep from 1 am till 5 am. Then I went back to bed and slept for an hour or so, then back to sofa. I was experiencing the most annoying coughing all night and had to hold my belly to prevent the stitches from bursting. Managed to sleep another couple of hours in the sofa eventually.

Day 1 Post-Op

2006-07-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

By evening, my upper body began aching a lot, especially shoulders, neck and the six entry wounds of the laparoscopy. Sitting down/getting up was a task as my heavy belly was pulling me downwards. Took painkiller and went to bed around 9 pm after eating a pot of crème caramel. Took photos of my belly and stitches for memory. Read a bit then fell asleep for about 4 hours. Got up for toilet and then thoughts flooded my brain and was unable to go back to sleep.

Nevertheless, for first time in months if not years, I had no back pain after rising from bed! Perhaps even losing a tiny bit of weight helps? Or is it the painkillers than numb some sensation? A mosquito was buzzing around my head in the living room where I had transfered to the sofa, but I had no strength to do anything about it. I finally slept for a couple of hours, woke up, and went back to bed for another couple of hours after a brief stint on the internet.

Operation Day

2006-07-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

I was told to report to the Athens Medical Centre, Psychikon clinic reception at 7 am. I was there at 6.40. Earlier on I had bid my family farewell not knowing whether I would see them again but hoping that I would.

The taxi sped through the quiet roads and got me there in record time. I climbed the few marble steps to the glass entrance doors and walked in the clinic. A man was sitting behind reception and looked terribly alarmed as I was approaching. I realised he was not the receptionist but the night guard so I did not pose any difficult questions to him. I sat on the backless leather sofa and observed the cleaner in her pretty pink-orange uniform as she was mopping the floors. She did an excellent job and that put my mind at ease.

Slowly people began arriving - kitchen staff, laboratory staff, administrative staff. A lady with her sister and husband came and sat near me. I overheard her asking about my doctor. She was also having the lap band surgery today.

My aunt Maria arrived and kissed me hello. My mom had arranged for her to stand by me as she had to stay home and look after my daughter. Maria and I don't look eye to eye for many different reasons.

I booked myself in and went to have my first tests. An electrocardiogram (ECG) and a full blood count plus INR (a special test that shows you how fast your blood is clotting).

We went downstairs for a chest X-ray and after that I was shown into my room. It was a 3-bed room and I was amazed at how tiny it was. There were no privacy affording curtains separating the beds. The WC/shower room was small but adequate. My bed was by the large window overlooking at the high rise blocks of flats across the street. There were some plants on a planter running the full length of the window drawing one's eye to the world outside.

The lady occupying the first bed had done a lap band revision surgery the day before. She had suffered slippage last October and had not lost any weight since but had suffered with vomiting and malaise. 'I didn't want to tell you as I didn't want to worry you,' she told me. Then she gave me some advice based on her experience.

The anaesthetist came to see me. He was a pleasant fellow who checked my medical history and gave the all clear to proceed. A nurse brought me a blue paper gown to wear and told me to remove everything removable (glasses, watch, jewellery, contact lenses, false teeth etc) and stay just in my knickers and gown.

I waited for hours for my turn to come. My consultant had ordered a triplex scan of the veins in the legs to check their condition as there was a doubt that I had a blood clot from the time I had been treated in the UK. The scan was very thorough (in contrast with the ones I had in Britain which were very quick and superficial) and the radiographer pronounced my veins clear but told me I had to look after my valves.

Upstairs, back in my room, the waiting continued. My mother arrived with the money and made the payment. Then, wishing me good luck, she hurried to return home.

Another anaesthetist came to see me. He promised me it would not be long now. Finally around 12.45 the stretcher came to pick me up. I climbed on it and got transferred to the theatres.

They wheeled me into a tiny room that looked like a closet. I objected to its size. 'I thought the waiting area was small,' I murmured, 'but this takes the biscuit!' Then I realised I was being wheeled backwards and found myself in a larger room under a set of big circular lights. I was asked to transfer to the operating table. Someone put a cap on my hair whilst someone else drew my arms outwards and secured them to two supports. The anaesthetist cannulated my left arm (a cannula is the flexible tube with the little taps that goes into your vein so they can feed it with a drip and use it to administer injections without having to pierce you again.) Some ECG pads were stuck on my chest and a pulse clip was attached to one of my fingers. The see-through oxygen mask was placed over my mouth and nose and I was instructed to take 5 deep breaths before breating normally.

'Have a good rest!' the anaesthetist said as he injected his blend of drugs inside my vein. The ceiling shook and the ceiling tiles began merging. 'I don't like this feeling,' I commented.

Later on I heard someone asking me to take a deep breath. I felt nauseous and panicky. They must have tried to move me to a stretcher and I must have cried out with pain. 'Stop screaming!' they kept telling me, 'you are scaring the other patients!' I wish I could have communicated to them how much my back hurt but my voice took a bit of time coming back to me. My vision did not return till I was back in my bed. I was thirsty, my tonsils were sore and I felt that I had a cut on my upper lip corner. My aunt was nowhere to be seen. She had spent the entire morning being sociable with people in other wards and forgetting about her niece in need.

I felt so hot! Was it just the sun shining in through the window or did I have a fever? It was 3 pm now. I had to contain myself with the wet gauge till they brought me some chamomile tea. My stomach had been empty for so many hours (last meal had been at 8 pm Friday night) but I didn't feel hungry. The nurse came to lift me up and I felt slightly wobbly on my legs but I managed to get to the toilet unaided. My knickers were soiled with Betadine and blood so I had to have them removed. A nurse cleaned me up using wet wipes.

I wanted to sleep so badly but the new occupant of the far bed was a gypsy girl and her entire family had come to support her. She had lap band plus tummy tuck in one go (2000 euro more than what I had paid). She was in great pain but the nurses could not do anything further to help her and kept telling her to be patient. The entire family possessed polyphonic mobile phones that kept ringing, playing gypsy tunes. It was havoc.

Despite the difficult night, I was grateful I wasn't in as bad state as this girl was. The morning arrived and I had some more chamomile tea and the doctor came to check up on me.

My mom arrived to take me home. I opted to stay downstairs in the basement flat to avoid temptations and to get the rest I so badly needed. My mother had thoughtfully stocked my fridge with yoghurt, juice and custard pudding.

Recovery had begun but it was not how I had expected it to be...

Prologue or Who Am I

2006-07-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

My name is insignificant but my story is not.

At 39 years old, weighing 173 kgs (381 lbs; 27 st.), with heaps of health problems and a one-year old daughter, something had to be done. I had long lost my mobility and was registered disabled. I was unable to work, unable to go out and enjoy life and unable to get medical or practical help from the State. All the doctors who had seen me had dismissed me proclaiming there was nothing they could do until I had lost a significant amount of weight.

Just before Easter 2006 I got seriously ill and was transported to my local A&E (ER for the American friends) via ambulance. I had my baby daughter with me. It then became apparent that, unless I was well, I could not take care of her. After suffering the humiliation of vomiting all over my clothes and shoes as I sat helpless on the A&E bed with my daughter crying woefully next to me, my head thumping from the worst migraine anyone's ever experienced, I had to give my daughter up to my sister's care until I got better. That week I spent in hospital was very emotional but upon discharge I was determined to change my life.

I booked our passage to Greece, which is my homeland. I needed a rest and time to get better. Whilst a guest of my mother's, I came across a manicurist whose cousin had done the lap band surgery. 'Fancy that!' I exclaimed, 'I am waiting to see a consultant in London about the very same thing!' The manicurist put me in contact with her cousin and I got the details of the surgeon who had operated on her. Having nothing to lose, one afternoon I picked up the phone and made enquiries. My heart was beating fast and my pulse was racing. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. It was the single bravest thing I had ever done in my life!

When mom got home I hurried to tell her the news full of joy but she was not supportive. I told my younger brother but he was not impressed, either. I felt deflated and depressed. Always, whenever I had wanted to do something important, they posed objections. But would it really be better to stay fat? I had so much trouble with my knees and was unable to walk indoors. I was getting some injections straight into my joint and each cost me 100 euro. Was that the only future I had to look forward to?

I rang my aunt Nina and she agreed to come with me to see the consultant. The rest is history. I saw him, asked him the questions, he was impressed by my medical knowledge. I spoke to other patients of his in the waiting room, saw their scars, heard their stories and left feeling reassured that there was a way out of my problematic life.

Later on I arranged to see another consultant, this time at the big hospital Hygeia. He was abrupt and rough with me and I was not impressed at all. He insisted the only surgery I should be having at my weight was gastric bypass. I refused it because I knew the dangers it carried. I needed something less drastic, less invasive, completely reversible and non mutilating. The seeds of doubt had been planted in my mind, however...

Finally, the evening before my departure for England I saw another consultant who shed lots of light in the haze of information I held. He was young, agreeable, informative, kept eye contact, was gentle, was not trying to avoid answering questions - I was besotted! But he wanted 2000 euro more for the same operation, even if he realised that I am not a rich woman, not in employment and have no private insurance.

I went back to England hoping that the NHS would approve me having the surgery abroad if it could not be held in the UK in good time. But the British consultant I saw at the Royal Free wanted to do an open surgery with bypass on me. I was heartbroken. Why did these surgeons insist on doing something mutilating? Hadn't I already done enough harm to my body without inflicting greater harm to it? He gave me the name of another consultant at the Whittington Hospital who was doing the kind of operation I wanted to do. I spent the following weeks trying to arrange a consultation but to no avail. Finally I decided I was wasting my time in England and made myself another ticket for Greece, determined to have my surgery there.

It was hard to make up my mind which of the two surgeons to select. The first one seemed to be a bit in a hurry to perform as many surgeries as possible but he had more experience, had dealt with more morbidly obese patients and was cheaper. The second one I felt I could trust implicitly but raising another 2,500 euro (after the first surgeon dropped his financial demands by 500 euro) would have been so hard. I decided to go with the first surgeon and met him on 4th July to make the necessary arrangements. He gave me advice on my anticoagulation treatment (as I was on warfarin since April) and pencilled me in for 7th July 2006.

I left his surgery feeling elated and a bit apprehensive.

My journey had began!