Gripes

Just a quick note of my feelings these last few days: I found out the surgeon has forgotten to remove one of the deepest stitches in my belly button. It has gotten infected, of course. I can tell by the smell that is so characteristic of fungal infection of the belly button. My belly button is so small now that I can't clean it effectively or even dry it. I am worried how he will take out the stitch when I see him Monday. Will he have to slash my skin to get to it? Will it cause pain and discomfort? Of course I am not easy about it. Of course I am bloody worried about it!

I feel that I have made a big mistake. He's infected me with cellulitis in the lower belly. This wouldn't have happened if the theatre had been properly disinfected and they had followed strict procedures. I had cellulitis in the sheens and he knew that. He should have been 10x more careful. But what do I know? I am only a lay person. I have asked my friend Richard to research the subject for me but he is busy with his work so I guess I'll have to wait till I go back to England to go to the British Library and do my own bit of research.

This surgeon seems to care about operating as many people as possible regardless of their suitability. Heck, I've seen so many skinnies in his surgery who were up for the op! The more I read about the lapband procedures abroad, the more I know things are not 100% right here. And what about the scars he's left me with? My stitches took a lot of stress when I was coughing and coughing and the result is that the scars now look stretched. Horrible sight.

I am sorry, I am probably causing most of my anxiety and in a few days' time I will be all calm and collected again but right now I am feeling crap and wanted to record this for posterity. Maybe it is part of the course, maybe it is not. I have nothing to compare it with. But that £5000 that I spent to have the op and pay for my travelling and living costs whilst here is not money that I am likely to see again, is it? It was money earned with sweat and tears and I was willing to sacrifice it for the right purpose but was this the right thing to do?

I wish someone could understand my predicament and how I feel! It is awful. I don't wish this to anyone, not even my enemy.

I will stop now. I must force myself to sleep although sleep evades me lately. And I know that a couple of hours in bed will make my back ache so much that even shifting position will cause me to cry out loud. Baby is upstairs with her granny tonight as my electrical wiring got faulty and I was worried to let her sleep here.

Goodnight world. Let's hope tomorrow will be a brighter day.