The Fraud
Have you ever said to yourself 'I feel like a fraud'? Well, I have. Today. Because the scales read 158.5 kgs. Last lowest weight was 153.6 kgs. That was at the end of October. All of October I struggled to lose weight, putting on weight, then losing it.
October Weight Record
30/09/2006 156.9
01/10/2006 156.5
03/10/2006 156.1
04/10/2006 155.8
06/10/2006 155.9 (up 0.1 kgs)
09/10/2006 154.8
16/10/2006 158.2 (up 3.4 kgs)
17/10/2006 157.8
19/10/2006 156.6
20/10/2006 156.7 (up 0.1 kgs)
22/10/2006 157.1 (up 0.4 kgs)
23/10/2006 156.5
23/10/2006 154.2
25/10/2006 156.1 (up 1.9 kgs)
25/10/2006 155.5
26/10/2006 155.3
27/10/2006 154.4
28/10/2006 154.1
29/10/2006 154
30/10/2006 153.6
I am 4.9 kgs more than my lowest weight.
It is so disappointing, so disheartening! I feel like a fraud because I can't make the ring work. At this moment in time I don't care whose fault it is - I have got to take the blame.
Yes, I have eaten chocolates (and could offer a dozen excuses for it) and drunk beer but I have also walked a lot - miles! One Sunday in the park, this Saturday and Sunday in Hatfield Galleria. Saturday I walked 5,500 steps not counting any made at home. Sunday I walked 4,200 steps, again not counting any made at home. According to my pedometer (device counting steps you are taking) I have burned close to 500 calories the one day and 300 the next. My joints have been killing me and it was a task to stand on my feet later in the night - the pain was excruciating.
Yesterday I had coffee and a ham and mayo sandwich for breakfast, then a piece of melon and a bite of my daughter's banana before going out as I was starving. I held my appetite for lunch but as my baby's dad needed to finish his clothes shopping, lunch was delayed. I got an egg sandwich for my daughter and ate the corners around 1 pm.
We had lunch at 4.30 pm. We went at the American-Italian restaurant in the Galleria and they were surprised to see us second day in a row. Last night was my treat. I ordered the prawn starter (5 tiger prawns cooked in chilli tomato sauce). It was unimpressive and the first prawn along with some fries stolen off my daughter's plate and the top of her burger bun made me feel ill. Probably the small coke I had to drink had something to do with it, too. Luckily the toilets were nearby and on level ground and there was a free cubicle. The rest you can imagine. I went back to the table and got a lecture, as if being sick hadn't been enough. I was unsure whether I did want to eat. I was tired and mentally worn out. But I played it safe and ordered the New York Deli pizza which is paper thin and comes with a few slices of pepperoni, ham and smoked bacon plus a few pieces of mushrooms. My daughter was agitated because she was tired and fed up with being dragged in the shops instead of being left in her warm cocoon at home. I felt very embarrassed at the restaurant as she was crying loudly and everyone was looking at me with that why don't you do something look that I used to give parents when their children misbehaved (what goes around, comes around... poetic justice, eh?)
When we got home, I was really ill. My chest was burning and my cough was productive. Luckily I had bought an expectorant from Superdrug anticipating the need for it by the scratchy chest that I felt earlier whilst shopping. I got the penicillin out, too. Lucky to have kept the pills!
Just before midnight, I came down to sleep in the armchair to keep an eye over my daughter who tends to throw her bedclothes and cough to choking point in her sleep. The bag of nibbles that her dad had bought was winking at me and I had some toffee popcorn and a few chocolate nut clusters. Yes, I know, those are unchecked calories, but for heavens sake, I did not have too much to eat throughout the entire day and only had half a glass of beer when we got home. Am I wrong to feel indignation towards the upwardly mobile scales? I would like to point out this is not standard behaviour for me. The nibbling, not the indignation...
Anyway, my plans for this week are ruined - quelle surprise! No swimming for baby and I, no going out on a date on Thursday, plus it seems I have given my daughter's father the cold as he sounded pretty miserable this morning, too. I am annoyed at this as he has an important event coming up in his life - his other daughter's wedding. I feel like I am spoiling things for everybody. :(
OK enough of a moan now, time to go rest and take my medication.
October Weight Record
30/09/2006 156.9
01/10/2006 156.5
03/10/2006 156.1
04/10/2006 155.8
06/10/2006 155.9 (up 0.1 kgs)
09/10/2006 154.8
16/10/2006 158.2 (up 3.4 kgs)
17/10/2006 157.8
19/10/2006 156.6
20/10/2006 156.7 (up 0.1 kgs)
22/10/2006 157.1 (up 0.4 kgs)
23/10/2006 156.5
23/10/2006 154.2
25/10/2006 156.1 (up 1.9 kgs)
25/10/2006 155.5
26/10/2006 155.3
27/10/2006 154.4
28/10/2006 154.1
29/10/2006 154
30/10/2006 153.6
I am 4.9 kgs more than my lowest weight.
It is so disappointing, so disheartening! I feel like a fraud because I can't make the ring work. At this moment in time I don't care whose fault it is - I have got to take the blame.
Yes, I have eaten chocolates (and could offer a dozen excuses for it) and drunk beer but I have also walked a lot - miles! One Sunday in the park, this Saturday and Sunday in Hatfield Galleria. Saturday I walked 5,500 steps not counting any made at home. Sunday I walked 4,200 steps, again not counting any made at home. According to my pedometer (device counting steps you are taking) I have burned close to 500 calories the one day and 300 the next. My joints have been killing me and it was a task to stand on my feet later in the night - the pain was excruciating.
Yesterday I had coffee and a ham and mayo sandwich for breakfast, then a piece of melon and a bite of my daughter's banana before going out as I was starving. I held my appetite for lunch but as my baby's dad needed to finish his clothes shopping, lunch was delayed. I got an egg sandwich for my daughter and ate the corners around 1 pm.
We had lunch at 4.30 pm. We went at the American-Italian restaurant in the Galleria and they were surprised to see us second day in a row. Last night was my treat. I ordered the prawn starter (5 tiger prawns cooked in chilli tomato sauce). It was unimpressive and the first prawn along with some fries stolen off my daughter's plate and the top of her burger bun made me feel ill. Probably the small coke I had to drink had something to do with it, too. Luckily the toilets were nearby and on level ground and there was a free cubicle. The rest you can imagine. I went back to the table and got a lecture, as if being sick hadn't been enough. I was unsure whether I did want to eat. I was tired and mentally worn out. But I played it safe and ordered the New York Deli pizza which is paper thin and comes with a few slices of pepperoni, ham and smoked bacon plus a few pieces of mushrooms. My daughter was agitated because she was tired and fed up with being dragged in the shops instead of being left in her warm cocoon at home. I felt very embarrassed at the restaurant as she was crying loudly and everyone was looking at me with that why don't you do something look that I used to give parents when their children misbehaved (what goes around, comes around... poetic justice, eh?)
When we got home, I was really ill. My chest was burning and my cough was productive. Luckily I had bought an expectorant from Superdrug anticipating the need for it by the scratchy chest that I felt earlier whilst shopping. I got the penicillin out, too. Lucky to have kept the pills!
Just before midnight, I came down to sleep in the armchair to keep an eye over my daughter who tends to throw her bedclothes and cough to choking point in her sleep. The bag of nibbles that her dad had bought was winking at me and I had some toffee popcorn and a few chocolate nut clusters. Yes, I know, those are unchecked calories, but for heavens sake, I did not have too much to eat throughout the entire day and only had half a glass of beer when we got home. Am I wrong to feel indignation towards the upwardly mobile scales? I would like to point out this is not standard behaviour for me. The nibbling, not the indignation...
Anyway, my plans for this week are ruined - quelle surprise! No swimming for baby and I, no going out on a date on Thursday, plus it seems I have given my daughter's father the cold as he sounded pretty miserable this morning, too. I am annoyed at this as he has an important event coming up in his life - his other daughter's wedding. I feel like I am spoiling things for everybody. :(
OK enough of a moan now, time to go rest and take my medication.
posted by Tania at 2:04 AM
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