Tragic realisations
Today I had an appointment with the beautician for waxing and a body scrub/wrap/massage. It was the third step in a line designed to make me beautiful. (First I had a pedicure on Tuesday followed by a haircut. And today came the turn for the body treatments.)
As I was lying on the treatment bed, I was aware of a strand of hair on my left shoulder. I could see it out of the corner of my eye and it annoyed me no end as I was covered in sticky mud and crystals and did not want it getting to my hair. But no matter how much I tried to push it away, it would not budge. And then my vision cleared and I realised it was not a strand of hair but... a set of wrinkles where my upper arm has lost its bulk and the skin gathers in folds, just like an English bulldog's.
I felt so old! Old, undesirable, ashamed of my body and its condition... It will only get worse from now on. I don't know how I will cope with it psychologically. Already I have lost my libido. I have no desire for sex and sometimes I have no desire for closeness - not that I get much chance for any of them!
I sat on the toilet upstairs and cried. I seem to be doing a lot of crying lately. That is when I am not drawn into the world of Runescape, my favourite multi-player adventure game. As soon as I face reality, I find that I cannot cope. So of course I escape in any way I can.
Sometimes I like cooking. I get an idea for a dish and enjoy its execution. But the girls in the forum keep telling me I have to give up on cooking. They think I am too involved with food for my own good.
The beautician asked me whether I work. I don't. It is impossible to work and pay the huge fees for childminding. As for the au pair solution that has not worked. The girls simply come to your house to use you as a stepping stone and have no regard for the welfare of your child.
I told the beautician I would like to work from home. What can you do, she asked me. I can paint, I replied, thinking of the beautiful favour boxes I did for my daughter's christening which drew a lot of compliments. But then I realised that the house is so small and there is no way I could have my paints and tools out with the little one wanting to touch everything. It is not safe for her and it is not safe for my artwork. So of course that made me unhappy, again. It just seems I cannot do ANYTHING that I desire because of one reason or another.
I ran out of blood pressure medication today. I rang my doctor's surgery to request it and the receptionist was not helpful at all. So I am going without it for the entire weekend. Very dangerous. Then, as I was crying upstairs, I thought that maybe this is a way to die. Stop taking your pills till your heart or brain explodes.
So what else happened today? Ah, I heard from Chelmsford Council regarding my housing register application. It turns out photocopies of passports are not good (despite the fact the letter they had sent me requested exactly that!) So now I have to go down to Essex, 90 mins on the motorway to take the originals to them. But there is no point hurrying, as nothing will be done before the new year. Plus they want a medical report which has to be signed by my doctor. But they haven't sent me that form, yet. So on the housing front it is all grim. January 17th I am meant to be leaving this house and I have serious doubts there will be somewhere to move by then. Whatever it is, it is going to be terribly difficult, very expensive to sort out and soul destroying. My landlady will probably end up taking me to court to get an eviction.
I'll end this entry by saying it is all David's fault. He never should have left me. I am clearly unable to handle life on my own. I am stuck in a house all by my own, have no friends, no fun and it does not matter how bright or eloquent or well-mannered I am, I am just not enough or maybe not good enough.
Self-pity session over. It is just one more difficult night. It will pass.
As I was lying on the treatment bed, I was aware of a strand of hair on my left shoulder. I could see it out of the corner of my eye and it annoyed me no end as I was covered in sticky mud and crystals and did not want it getting to my hair. But no matter how much I tried to push it away, it would not budge. And then my vision cleared and I realised it was not a strand of hair but... a set of wrinkles where my upper arm has lost its bulk and the skin gathers in folds, just like an English bulldog's.
I felt so old! Old, undesirable, ashamed of my body and its condition... It will only get worse from now on. I don't know how I will cope with it psychologically. Already I have lost my libido. I have no desire for sex and sometimes I have no desire for closeness - not that I get much chance for any of them!
I sat on the toilet upstairs and cried. I seem to be doing a lot of crying lately. That is when I am not drawn into the world of Runescape, my favourite multi-player adventure game. As soon as I face reality, I find that I cannot cope. So of course I escape in any way I can.
Sometimes I like cooking. I get an idea for a dish and enjoy its execution. But the girls in the forum keep telling me I have to give up on cooking. They think I am too involved with food for my own good.
The beautician asked me whether I work. I don't. It is impossible to work and pay the huge fees for childminding. As for the au pair solution that has not worked. The girls simply come to your house to use you as a stepping stone and have no regard for the welfare of your child.
I told the beautician I would like to work from home. What can you do, she asked me. I can paint, I replied, thinking of the beautiful favour boxes I did for my daughter's christening which drew a lot of compliments. But then I realised that the house is so small and there is no way I could have my paints and tools out with the little one wanting to touch everything. It is not safe for her and it is not safe for my artwork. So of course that made me unhappy, again. It just seems I cannot do ANYTHING that I desire because of one reason or another.
I ran out of blood pressure medication today. I rang my doctor's surgery to request it and the receptionist was not helpful at all. So I am going without it for the entire weekend. Very dangerous. Then, as I was crying upstairs, I thought that maybe this is a way to die. Stop taking your pills till your heart or brain explodes.
So what else happened today? Ah, I heard from Chelmsford Council regarding my housing register application. It turns out photocopies of passports are not good (despite the fact the letter they had sent me requested exactly that!) So now I have to go down to Essex, 90 mins on the motorway to take the originals to them. But there is no point hurrying, as nothing will be done before the new year. Plus they want a medical report which has to be signed by my doctor. But they haven't sent me that form, yet. So on the housing front it is all grim. January 17th I am meant to be leaving this house and I have serious doubts there will be somewhere to move by then. Whatever it is, it is going to be terribly difficult, very expensive to sort out and soul destroying. My landlady will probably end up taking me to court to get an eviction.
I'll end this entry by saying it is all David's fault. He never should have left me. I am clearly unable to handle life on my own. I am stuck in a house all by my own, have no friends, no fun and it does not matter how bright or eloquent or well-mannered I am, I am just not enough or maybe not good enough.
Self-pity session over. It is just one more difficult night. It will pass.
posted by Tania at 11:37 AM
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