Eating Disorder Not

So I saw the eating disorder specialist in a faraway North London Hospital and she spent all the time filling in information on her computer only to determine after one pertinent question that I do not have an eating disorder. (The question was 'do you binge eat often?')

My GP began weighing me up and asked me to keep a diary of my eating. Then she sat with me and told me what to swap with what. I did not like lots of her suggestions. She said to buy oily fish like salmon but salmon is too expensive. She said to forget about butter and sugar and use sweeteners instead and she told me to swap 1.5% fat milk with non-fat milk and white bread with brown bread or oats.

I tried to modify my diet and ended up GAINING weight whilst feeling bloated (my body swells up when eating fibres as it cannot break them down.)

The GP said she will re-refer me to UCLH and that their declining me surgery was not good enough, especially since they didn't back their decision up with hard facts. I feel it is a bit pointless to go down that route again but I cannot stop her. I asked her if she can arrange for someone to accompany me to the next meeting with UCLH because I say one thing, they understand another and it would be good to have an independent party present at the consultation but she said 'no, you'll go on your own.'

I feel like a child who's been told off and is about to throw a strop. LOL

Anyway, I have always maintained that the real problem is the lack of sleep but nobody would listen to me. I have read that you should sleep at least 6 hours uninterrupted for your body metabolism to work. I never sleep 6 hours non stop. I wake up 2-4 times in the night for toilet and sometimes I cannot go back to sleep because my brain fills with worries. It's been going on for so long, I have lost track of when it began.

Suddenly, without any prompting on my behalf, the GP decides to put me on a 'mild antidepressant' that would help me sleep, too. It's called Amitriptyline and they give it to children to wet their beds at night. I was doubtful it would have any effect on me but went along as she said it would be only for two weeks and then we'd review the situation.

Guess what? The drug is working. I do get a bit more sleep with the toilet trips reduced to 1-2. Had to take antibiotics, too, because I had a fall which resulted in my foot getting infected with cellulitis. So for two weeks I had to wake myself up twice at night to take my pills. But even so, I managed to sleep between doses - maybe 5-6 hours. At first I was reluctant to wake up in the morning, feeling tired and needing more sleep. I had a couple of migraines, too. My mouth and throat felt dry and painful. Now I am used to the medicine. I take it around 7 pm and by 10 pm I am falling asleep, sometimes even earlier than that.

The increased sleep has given me more energy so I have done more things around the house which I didn't do before, like empty the dishwasher myself and put the dishes away. Or tidy up the living room. Somehow I have also found the energy to walk in the hospital (instead of being wheeled around by a porter) - yes, it is a slow and painful walk, but I am walking the distance. The hospital receptionists keep encouraging me. 'You walking today? Good, good!'

Yesterday I walked in IKEA. It seemed a daunting task. All I wanted was to check out bedside tables as I need one for my daughter's room. I found the quickest route and hurried my daughter along as she stopped by the children's section to test their toys. My biggest problem is standing. I can hardly stand nowadays. I sat down twice to rest. I pushed my endurance limits. Then I almost gave up. I was tired and thirsty and my girl was hungry and thirsty. I thought I'd never be able to face walking through the furniture storage area. I had to drive the car from the disabled parking near the front entrance to the disabled parking near Returns. I thought someone would be kind enough to pick the unit up for me. I even queued up at the café to pick up a couple of hot dogs and drinks. Luckily we got the only two chairs available (IKEA seems to think it OK to make people eat up standing after a gruesome trail through their shop...) An assistant got the piece of furniture for us and put it through the till. He accompanied us to the car. By that time I was trembling and could hardly walk. But it was done. I had achieved my goal. I had the bedside table in the boot of the car! (Pity my strength did not last enough for me to buy the light and picture frames I needed, but never mind, that is for another trip.)

I was surprised with myself. Lately I haven't had much appetite. OK let's blame the antibiotics ruining my stomach. But is it that simple? Or is there a reaction happening in my body involving the part of my brain that controls hunger? In IKEA, I only ate a jumbo hot dog. No soft drink, no ice cream. I drank water. I felt so full from the first two bites. My gastric band is working as it is meant to. I had to eat slowly and put my food down between bites. It is the same gastric band. But I seem to be unable to circumnavigate its controls. Hurrah!

The GP found me to have lost weight. Of course I said it is probably that the scales used are calibrated differently, that the floor makes a difference to the reading and that the previous reading was incorrect as I was swollen - any excuse rather than believe that I have actually managed to reduce my food intake and increase my activity levels.

But I am not an angel, yet. When we got home, I became hungry around 5 pm and ate a couple of sandwich biscuits to stave my hunger. Later on I cooked some chicken livers and rice and had a bowl of food. I had a glass of mixed fruit juice, too. Much later, I finished up the packet of biscuits and ate a chocolate all on my own. That was sheer stupidity. I didn't need it, nor was I hungry. Maybe part of me is scared to give up snacking. Maybe I am testing myself. I wish I could understand me better.

This morning I had my milky coffee with two IKEA cinnamon buns. I cooked more and would have eaten a third one but my facilitator (my daughter) was busy eating her breakfast and I felt too ashamed to ask her to bring me the last bun. It was for the best. I didn't need it. I am full and satisfied. I am glad I managed to resist the temptation.

I must end my confession here as I need to get ready to go out. Some medicines to pick up and a chance to be out in the fresh air for both of us. We would have gone swimming only it is risky as my daughter had fever last night.

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you! I registered for the gym/pool. It is a specialist centre for people with disabilities (but open to able bodied people, too) so much more accessible than other places and only 10 minutes drive at the most from home.

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To Marci: I got your note, thank you. I have been too preoccupied with things to concentrate on updating my blog, or contacting people via email. It is sweet of you to remember me and care about my progress. I hope you are doing well, yourself. Kisses.