Hello fanatic reader (who are you?)It's been a long time since I updated my blog but I had been having connection problems and also moved house (that meant 7 weeks of hard labour), took a holiday (another 4 weeks hard labour), had a house guest (3 weeks)... and so on.On 07.07.07 I had my one year gastric band anniversary. It was not a happy occasion. I managed to lose just 30 kgs and that with great difficulty. From Feb. 07 till Easter I was doing Weight Watchers. It wasn't something that I had been prepared for - the diet, I mean. I thought the band was supposed to do all the work by itself and I just had to sit back and watch the kilos drop. Instead, I spent Sept. 06 to July 07 throwing up on a daily basis, sometimes 2-3 times a day.I got desperate. Summer holidays and me rushing out of the restaurant to the toilets downstairs to throw up. My mother was very upset with me. One lunchtime it was raining cats and dogs and I didn't make it past the restaurant doors. I threw up there, in front of everybody. How very humiliating! Luckily the rain was so thick that it washed the evidence away but for days I'd steal glimpses towards the wall to see if there were any reminders of my episode.The holidays were dreadful. Firstly I had to spend 15 rainy days cooped up in a little bungalow with my mom and my daughter. Mom managed to completely destroy my self confidence by making comments like 'if I were you, I wouldn't let my daughter see me naked lest she gets disgusted by my sight' and other gems like that. I cried tears of hurt and yelled cries of anger and despair, threatened to never set foot in Greece again to the point that even my daughter realised there was something wrong and came to me for reassurance. Then the heat wave began, Greece hit a record of 45 o C this summer! Heat wave, tempers rising... I don't know how we managed to reconciliate for my daughter's birthday. Then I had to go to a christening and a reception afterwards but my mom kept making comments like 'are you sure you want to go there with all the successful people, won't that make you feel bad?' or 'it is too hot, you'll sweat and you won't have a good time, leave the child here'. But the more she tried to prevent me from going, the more determined I was not to give her the satisfaction. So I went with my daughter and we had a ball!Saw two different surgeons (actually 3) when I was in Greece and had my band loosened by a colleague of my surgeon. I had an endoscopy (they put a tube down my mouth and took a look at my stomach with me being awake and struggling to disengage myself from the tube to the point that I nearly had a heart attack!) My stomach was in bad condition with gastritis caused by the 9 month vomit. Later on I had an X-ray of the stomach and this time I could see the monitor and saw how my stomach kicked back the radioactive water I drank. The surgeon refused to charge me for the exam (very decent of him) but he also refused to do me a fill. He said I had to let my stomach recover. He also explained a lot of things about the gastric band to me, told me it was not my fault I did not do well. He said anyone living far and not having frequent contact with their surgeon would suffer the same fate. Also he said my band was placed rather high and that was causing all the problems with the vomiting. According to this surgeon the upper pouch only has space for 2 bites so I should eat a bit and then rest before eating another bite. It made sense. I wish I had this knowledge a long time ago, before the troubles destroyed my psychology and made me feel like a huge failure.Ever since I got back from the holidays, I regained my appetite. For 3 weeks I was controlling myself fairly well. Esther was here and she is always a good influence on me. I had someone to talk to, someone to fuss over... it was good. But when she left the void became so big and nothing would fill it except for food. So I put on 5 kgs, then another 2, and now another 1. I am not happy. I can feel the weight holding me down. My joints are aching again (due to the crappy weather we've been having in the UK). Lack of exercise + food = bad results. However, my blood tests came back alright, my iron levels are low but within the acceptable range. This has helped my head grow new hair and I celebrated this by having my hair cut and highlighted.I saw a counsellor recently. It was painful as I spent the entire half hour of our session crying. She didn't say much... just told me to let go of my mother and to think of what I can do rather than what I can't. I am seeing her again middle of September. Hopefully I won't cry as much this time but maybe that was what I needed: a good cry, who knows!Now I am planning to take a course at the local College. This will mean putting my daughter into nursery but that will be good for her. She will meet other children and do lots of nice activities. I don't know where the money will be coming from but as it is just for 10 weeks, I might as well do it and then worry about it. I just hope my course is not full by the time I get to register. I was a bit scared to register before sorting out childcare in case I lost my money.Apart from these news, I am still without a boyfriend. I suffered a great loss of libido and that upset me more than anything else. I felt useless, totally rubbish. But then I tried to self-analyse myself and go back to the last time I felt sexy and realised it all had to do with my mother's comment during our holiday. Anger built up in me and I said 'no way, I am not letting her rule my life to this extent!' Wonder of wonders, my libido returned. Not as high as it used to be but it's there, a little spark waiting for the right man to turn it into a raging fire.Richard gave me a hug and a kiss today. 'How come?' I asked him. 'Just to remind you what it feels like so that you know you've still got it'. It was good. I was scared that I could not show affection any more but I was able to hug him back and let myself in his arms and it did not feel awkward. (Maybe I can only show affection for people I truly care about?)Oh, one final thing, before I forget. I was able to achieve closure with David (my abusive ex partner). First I removed his photo from my sight, then I wrote him an email to say goodbye. It was that simple. Took me 4.5 years to do but it's done now. I can move on. Many thanks to Richard II for helping me see things for what they really were.Must end this now. Got a nice book I want to finish and sleep to catch up with. It's been hard lately with me getting a max of 5 hours sleep a day. I hear that the body does not produce leptin (the thinning hormone) until it's had 6 hours of sleep. I'd better increase my hours of sleep, empty my brain of thoughts, take painkillers if I have to to stop my joints from aching. I have to do what I have to do to ensure I am well and fit.Till later...Labels: gastric band failure
