Weight going up...

Went to Boots yesterday and got myself weighed. I am 167.7 kgs - just 6 kgs less than I weighed two years ago when I had my gastric band installed.

I don't want to have an operation any more. It is too dangerous. I read in the newspaper about a mother who died of MRSA a few days after her op. She was only 120 kgs but wanted to make a better life for herself and her son. Now he is an orphan.

Talked to mom today and she thinks I should go ahead with the operation. She believes in it, but I don't think she's got the full picture. It is strange for her to encourage me to go under the knife. She had been so against the lapband but I went ahead anyway. Maybe she is more positively inclined because of all the publicity bariatric surgery has been getting in Greece in the last couple of years.

College is finished at last. I got a pass. I was heartbroken when I heard my grade, because I had been expecting distinction. I cried so much I gave myself a migraine. Life is so unfair. I texted my tutor to ask why and he promised to explain on Monday. But I feel so empty now. What's the point of trying when your efforts do not get rewarded?

I just want to give up. I am going to tell my GP that I do not wish to continue on my anti-depressant medication. It is not helping. It has just subdued my emotions, made my hair fall out and deprived me of my libido.

I have so many problems. There is this company who is threatening to send the bailiffs in because I did not pay a parking ticket. They won't leave me at peace. I can't deal with it, can't deal with any more problems, phonecalls, chasing up, thinking!

OK one more hurdle to go through: the interview at Middlesex University. Then hopefully things will become clearer.

Oh must I?

Annie wants me to update my blog, but I don't know what to write that would be encouraging to others.

I am still waiting for my operations. I have jumped through all the hoops at UCLH, had a full cardiological assessment (including a CT scan, a 24 hour Holter tape, an ultrasound, an ECG), a full dietary assessment and a full psychiatric assessment. I was meant to have heard back from them by the end of May, but they haven't had their meeting to discuss my case, yet, as one of the consultants is on holiday.

My weight has rocketed, but I have no idea what I weigh now because my scales only go up to 160 kgs.

College is nearly over - just two more days to go. The exhibition of our works went up. It was an exhausting week. I wish the College would have advertised our exhibition so that more people could have come to see it. As it is, only friends and relatives have seen it, none of which were mine.

Finances are really tight. For the first time in my life my bank account hit ZERO. Going shopping is a traumatic experience. Even a loaf of bread is too expensive, nowadays. Still, I managed to buy a cake to take to my daughter's nursery so that they can all celebrate her birthday. She will be 3 years old.

It's been a month now that my daughter has been scribbling letters on paper. They look very artistic and I have saved her first effort to show to her when she is older.

Other news... I refused the two offers I had from universities to study Design for Performance in order to make space to apply for a course at Middlesex University. The main reason is my pending medical issues that tie me down to London. I had tears in my eyes when I was sending in my refusals. The future is so uncertain and I am never sure I am making the right choices in my life.

I need someone to run my life for me! I am tired of making decisions and having responsibility for everything.

Hope you who is reading this pointless blog are much better than me and that you are enjoying summer.