Changes

Major changes do not happen overnight, but sometimes you notice them as you wake up. For example, 8 weeks post-op and my first thought of the day is not about food any more. My breakfast is a leisurly affair. Sometimes I drink some chocolate milk (half a glass) at around 8 am and then I have lunch around midday and other times I have some choco pockets with milk (one dish) or like today I have 3 rusks with some cheese. I have no compulsive need to eat sweets or to snack between meals, though I may still snack on the way to serving my lunch.

After the latest fill adjustment, I can eat half of what I used to eat. It is a reasonable portion of a normal person without the starter and desert as there is no room for these. I guess I could eat 1/3 of the portion of starter, main, desert and still end up with the same calorie intake. I haven't had a chance to practise that, yet.

Do you remember me complaining about my belly being so big that it touched the seat before my bum had a chance to? Well that is history, now. My belly has shrunk and it is a joy to be caressing it and not be dragged down by its weight. My lap space has enlarged and my daughter can sit on it more comfortably and she can actually cuddle up to me, now.

Also do you recall me not being able to get a decent night's sleep due to back ache? Well, nowadays I can do 6 (yes, SIX!) hours of sleep in one stretch. And I can lie in bed an additional hour or two reading my books. In the past, I was unable to lie in bed for more than half an hour, maximum one hour.

N., do you remember the nights when I used to slip away to sleep in the armchair? Do you remember how you used to have to help me up and how long it took to stabilise my weight on my feet and to be able to mobilise myself? You were doing everything in your power then, to help me on a day to day basis, including washing me when I was in too much pain to do it myself. But one thing you could not do was make me lose weight. That is something that each person has to decide and act upon for themselves. But you gave me the greatest gift - our daughter! And my darling baby began helping me lose weight from the moment she was conceived.

192.2 kilos on 18 August 2004
185.4 kilos on conception, Sept. 2004
183.6 kilos on discharge from hospital after giving birth in July 2005
167 kilos on 13 August 2005 - when swelling from pre-eclampsia began receeding finally
180.9 kilos on 26 March 2006 - who said life with a baby is easy? PND (post natal depression was making me put on weight by not making careful food selections)
171.3 kilos on 30 May 2006
159.9 kilos recently

Over 32 kilos lost in 2 years without any special effort.

The picture in my profile was taken when I was 186 kilos 26 months ago. The following picture was taken on Friday. Can you see any difference?

Rectification

Today I had the gastric band loosened. My doctor had informed a colleague of his about my condition and I was seen first.

The doctor I saw was young, handsome and very nice. I had taken my daughter with me and he hugged her and stroked her cheeks and made cooing sounds at her. His secretary teased him that he is brooding. Oh well, nothing wrong with brooding, I say!

Anyway, he removed just over 0.5 ml of saline and now I can eat and drink again without vomitting but I think that I ate a lot less tonight. Well, I ate a piece of omelette with cheese, some french fries and some green beans in tomato sauce. The last two I helped myself twice to but both times it was a small portion. I refused the ice cream afterwards because I was very full. I did drink 3-4 fingers of beer, however.

Today I went swimming at the swimming pool and had a great time. My aunt helped me a lot with my daughter so I had a chance to actually do a few laps (read 2 laps in one go, in two seperate efforts) and for me that is a big thing as my bad knees do not make it easy for me to swim any more. I find that a froggy type of swim (what is it called officially? it is not the crawl, nor the butterfly swim) works best for me. It exercises my arms a lot but puts little pressure on my legs/knees.

It was great to be in the nature anyway, drinking a cold frappe coffee with lots of milk and sugar and eating a toasted ham and cheese sandwich. I ate very very slowly, remembering yesterday's marathon vomitting sessions that lasted well into the night (last night I would drink a sip of water and not ten minutes later I would be throwing it up... very bad situation. I was so thirsty but after 3 efforts to drink water, I resolved myself to having a dry night and morning.)

Anyway, I am a happy bunny because I weighed myself today and was -2 kgs since Tuesday (a kilo a day). And I also managed to fit into a size smaller suimsuit without any trouble. I am now wearing size 28 swimsuit which means I am probably a size 30 dress size. I felt good, what can I say? I looked at my reflection in the mirror and the back seemed so smooth and the buttocks have decreased in size dramatically. No wonder my back pains have gotten better the last few days! And have I written anywhere that yesterday I felt my knees for the first time? Till recently all I felt when I touched my knees was a big lump of fat but now I can actually feel a dip on their outside.

Thank God, my project seems to be working at long last! I am positive about the future. I know problems won't disappear just like that, that I still have to work on things to improve my life, but somehow it seems easier to do when I know that I won't be dragged down by fat.

Small steps everyday... that is all that is needed. I went through 9 months of pregnancy by taking it a day at a time. I can do this with my slimming and it doesn't matter how long it will be till I reach my target, I am determined to enjoy the journey. :)

Total loss: 13.65 kgs in 7 weeks (average: 1.95 kgs loss per week)

Mission: Abort!

I am sorry to report that 6 ml is too tight on my German band. As I tried to eat some prawns with courgettes, they got stuck and I had my first proper series of vomiting. It was horrible. Not only did I throw up the food I had just eaten (3 prawns and half a courgette which looked more bulky than on the plate for some reason) but a lot of clear mucus, too. Disgusting! I am only telling you so you don't go experimenting with your body - just take my word for it.

I rang my surgeon and he was distressed to hear the news. He wanted to send me to the hospital to have it opened but I assured him that I could drink water/liquids (obviously there is always the risk of dehydration). He asked me to go there tomorrow morning to have 0.5 ml drained. He believes that that will be enough to find the golden mean.

Other than my stomach feeling heavy (like I have swallowed a tree stump) and my left temple aching, I am alright. I spent a lot of hours in bed today, reading. I did not feel like doing anything really.

Hunger!

Trust me to go from one extreme to the other...

Yesterday, after my fourth fill, I could hardly swallow anything. All I had in the day was a glass of orange juice, a yoghurt, two glasses of milk shake made with chocolate milk and some ice cream and two slices of thin ham and two pieces of melon. The last two items got stuck and caused me great discomfort. Even water would not go down easily and when I had some cold water in the morning (in my usual trip from bed to sofa) I felt it was going to come out.

Today I ate 4-5 choco pockets (kind of cereal) dry, crunched to death and drank a gulp of water. Of course the water turned the dust into mud and it got stuck. When will I learn that I must not drink water immediately after eating? Anyway, later I made my daughter some fruit puree using 3/4 of an apple, two ripe peaches and one banana. She had a bowl of it and the rest I put in a tiny glass and stored in the freezer for later. So around 10 am I was ravenous and decided to eat something substantial. Eggs! Scrambled! They were soft enough and I ate them relatively fast as they didn't seem to cause trouble. Then I brought out the chilled fruit puree and tried some of it, too. Uh oh! Blockage on the bottleneck! I straightened my back, tried to keep calm and reduced the speed of eating with generous pauses in between. Eventually it went down and now I feel full.

I am thinking that I ought to ask my surgeon to take out 0.5 ml. Just to enable me to eat something, otherwise I'll be really weak if I have to survive on juices and milky products, plus we have my anaemia to think of. However, a part of me revels in this new state. A part of me says 'no, don't do it yet, let it stay like this for a week, ten days... that will give you a weight loss boost and then you can loosen the band and fall back on a more normal eating plan'. That part of me also tells me that maybe the band will loosen by itself and then it will be back to square 1.

I had thought at the beginning of my journey that I would like to return to England at 150 kgs. I don't think this is very possible but maybe 155 kgs is possible. That is 7 kgs away... and I have about 21 days left. A kilo every 3 days. Arrgh! Who am I kidding! It seems an impossible task!

Yesterday when I was getting dressed to go to the doctor, I felt the elastic around my waist slightly looser and was pleased. Then I thought it is probably looser because of the many washes. Because when I had given birth to my daughter, my mother sorted out the elastic band of this skirt and after a couple of weeks it nearly fell off my hips. I was more kgs then. So what is happening to my waist line? I blame the huge hernia in my belly for all the ills of dressmaking. But then again, we don't always lose weight in the same spot. Today I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror and thought my shoulders looked slimmer, like if they've lost their upper padding. I don't know. I am thinking too much.

It is too hot and there is hardly any breeze at all. I am going off line and will contemplate the task of driving to the swimming pool.

4th Fill

I am very happy today. Even though I have been able to eat a lot more than I thought it would have been possible with a 4.5 ml fill, I have lost 2.250 kgs in two weeks' time. Without any effort.

I saw my surgeon today. He was in happy mood and that predisposed me well. We had to wait for a room to empty and he agreed to take out the saline to see if there had been any leakage. He put in 2 mls in a syringe and pulled the plunger... it filled to 8mls so he said there is no leakage, the system is working well. I questioned the 0.5 fill that went missing but he said everything is fine and pushed the contents of the syringe back in.

So now I have a fill of 6 ml. It makes drinking a bit of a problem as I keep burping and now that I've come home and drank a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, I felt like I was going to have a PB after the first big gulp. But I didn't. The surgeon has cautioned me to adhere on liquid diet today including yoghurt and to ring him by Friday to let him know how I am doing. He also commented that the fat around my belly was getting softer and I confirmed that lying on my side is much easier nowadays as I am closer to the surface of the bed. LOL

I am confident that with 6 ml I will be able to eat a lot less and mark faster progress. Fingers crossed! Now all I need is my aunt to come visit and clarify whether she intends to go on holiday with me or not. I have to have something more to remember out of this summer other than the wind, the heat and the stomach banding! :)

Total loss in 6 weeks: 11.650 kgs

It doesn't make sense

Breakfast: half a glass of chocolate milk and one small bowl of chocolate cushions cereal (dry).

Lunch: boiled greens and leftovers of seafood selection. Also ate 3-4 breadsticks wrapped in wafer thin ham.

Mid afternoon: cold coffee with milk and sugar.

Dinner: 1.5 chicken legs with okra, tzatziki and one courgette. One slice of ham and one fork of minced meat from pan. 3 fingers of beer plus water.

Mom said that my dinner was too large for a person who is dieting and has a ring around her stomach. Minutes later she brings a vanilla ice cream cone... I said I was full, so she says 'give it to your daughter'. But daughter can't eat the nuts on top so I ate them for her. Then she lost interest midway through the cone so I finished the rest for her - it was a compulsive act, not hunger. I was already full, but still I ate it.

The surgeon said he was not worried, but why on earth am I able to eat so much? My intention was to eat 1 chicken leg with okra but as I was eating and feeding the baby who was making me trouble by feeding the dog and patting her fur then putting her hands in her mouth... I got stressed so I did not register the food that I was eating. I guess that is the excuse. My brain was absent from dinner. But still?

Tomorrow I hope to do better. If not, I am ringing surgeon for advice Friday before he takes off for his vacation.

At least today I managed to wash some clothes and tidy up my flat. But my feet are so swollen, just like the old days and my calf is aching so I am worried I might have another blood clot. I will hope not, I will put the aching to having strained my muscles but as my INR was below therapeutic level for so long, your guess is as good as mine.

My sister's feet are also swollen. She has prominent veins and lots of broken veins in her legs. Now she also has some weird red marks on her sheens which look terribly like lupus. For her sake, I hope it is not, but she won't go see a doctor.

Today I tried to talk to her and explain my eldest brother's feelings. He took offense because as usual my sister came for a few days and began directing the household. I told her that sometimes her motives are good but the way she goes about it causes friction and others won't accept she is right because she is rubbing them the wrong way. I should be preaching to myself as I am guilty of the same at times. But I don't want my siblings to be angry, I hate people fighting/arguing. Why can't we get along?

Then there is the war that Israel is waging against Lebanon. My aunt Mary is so against Arabs and she kept saying the most stupid things this evening like 'well Israel warned them to leave the places they were going to bomb so it is their fault they have stayed.' She is making so many assumptions: that the people could actually leave, that the dead people were only in the areas that the warnings were made for, etc. Who gives the right to anyone to bomb civilians and destroy lives? I don't care if Moslems are wearing scarves and believe in Allah, they are still people. I love Lebanon - don't ask me why because I don't know. It hurts me to see that country suffer so much. The world is standing by as a spectator and I sometimes feel all alone in my frustration. Every day there are so many injustices going on in the world and we are just standing by, closing our eyes, thinking how lucky we are they are not happening to us.

It is no wonder, therefore, that I desire peace at home.

Rectification - 3rd fill

Finally I saw my surgeon today and he removed the last(?) remaining stitch, not without it smarting, though. He commented that I am making good progress and that I looked slimmer. He asked me if I wanted another fill. I explained that I had one last week and we discussed the quantities of food I am able to eat then concluded that another 0.5 ml fill would be beneficial. He wants me to ring him in 4 days time to let him know how smaller my portions have gotten after this fill so we can plan for the future. Apparently I should now be eating 30% only of a man's portion. We'll see.

I asked my surgeon how come I can see the filling drum. He said he had to implant it relatively shallow in order to manage the fills. He told me that later on we could readjust its depth if that turned to be a cosmetic problem for me but first he'd like me to lose a bit more weight.

I am eating some cerial with milk as I am typing this. I have to eat watery and soft foods for 3 days till the ring adjusts again. I have a lot of trapped wind and feel as if I can't really eat, so I am not forcing it, I am taking it slow. Luckily I am doing alright with water intake, drinking 1.5 litres every day plus a glass of milk and a glass of coffee.

My weight today was 164.2 kgs, not too bad, though I had expected a bigger loss. I guess not going to the toilet in the morning affects the weight and I do feel it. Must be stress that stops me going to the toilet because when it is not a fill/weigh in day, I have absolutely no problem!

Met two sisters today and they both had the lapband last year. One of them had to have a review surgery as it had slipped. She had lost 40 kgs in 6 months and was vomitting a lot, so that dislodged the ring. Her sister had lost 32 or 35 kgs in one year and had had no problems. If I could dare hope, I'd like to lose a lot of weight... maybe 50-60 kgs in the first year so that there is only about that much to lose in the second year. But it has to be done safely. I was also thinking that as my legs are suffering the effects of weight loss, that should be the first part I ought to consider getting plastic surgery on. If things go well, I might even be able to have this surgery by Easter next year. They say the legs hurt the most... They also have the tendency to sag again after some time but I guess this is something that I ought to investigate in the long winter months.

Not eaten all of my cerial and already feel full. I think I have managed 2/3 of the bowl and I must admit I put more quantity than a normal portion (if we consider what comes out of a fun pack a normal portion, e.g. 30 grams of dry cereal). OK, 10 minutes later I managed the rest of the portion but now I am at bursting point. Arggh! greediness!

Total loss in 1 month: 9.4 kgs

It works!

Today I had my first PB (productive burping) and it ended up in gentle vomiting. I brought up the chocolate ice cream cake that I had eaten 2 hours after lunch and the pan au chocolat. My band works! Hurray!!

I really don't understand myself. I feel like there are two people in me: the one that knows she has to diet and lose weight and the other who wants to continue the previous life without much thought.

So today I was driving back from Kifissia having picked up our new passports and mom asked me to stop at AB in Erythrea. Next to AB is a new boulangerie that looks quite yummy. So I said I was going to check it out whilst mom picked a couple of things from the supermarket next door. I go into Eric Kayser's boulangerie and I am stunned by the artistic displays. So I buy a tsoureki, some croissants, a pan au chocolat and a bacon pattie. The time was 11.30. I meet mom in the car, she says she is cooking macaroni with tomato sauce and cheese. She has this special way of serving it by pouring hot butter over the dish and thus making the cheese melt. Well, who can resist that? So I put the thought of breakfast away, but I couldn't help myself whilst she was getting lunch ready and I ate the bacon pattie. It was good. Not fantastic as it was cold. Then I tried to be sensible for lunch but I drank a couple of fingers of beer and ate a plate of macaroni. I did not feel heavy or anything, more thirsty so I drank 2-3 glasses of cold water. We went to lie down as is the custom in Greece. Mom has airconditioning at home so I sometimes prefer to join her for a nap. Got up an hour later. Thirsty. Got some water. Then saw the ice cream cake I had bought yesterday (to celebrate my daughter's first proper shoes)... That was it. Out comes the knife and a piece of chocolate ice cream cake goes on a plate. Half an hour later baby wakes up so I give her something to drink and give her a piece of croissant. Without thought, part of it goes in my mouth. Then some more... and more. Suddenly I feel pain inside and I want to burp but can't. I think if I stand up and calm down the pain will go away. Nope. It doesn't. Baby makes a mess by throwing my glass of water on the floor. Mom starts yelling at me but all I can think is 'quick, get to the toilet!' True enough, I got there just in time. After three waves, I felt better. Mom was upset and said dryly that the band is working and that should teach me. Yes, it is working. And sadly I can no longer eat pastry products and get away with it. So goodbye to lots of pointless calories. I gave mom the Eric Kayser loot with my best wishes.

I am not eating tonight. Believe it or not, I am still full. It baffles me how I can eat a little and be alright and sometimes eat huge quantities and desire more. My other self will always put her hand out to reach food - any food. I must stop her. But I realise it will take time to unlearn habits of a lifetime.

Strangely enough, I feel good this evening, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know now I can trust the band where I can't trust myself. That is a great consolation.

Make up and Purgatory

I went to get my daughter. She had been with Angela, my friend. Angela had her make up kit open. My daughter sat in front of her. When I looked at my daughter's face it looked like a puppet's, with eye shadow, rouge, lipstick... I got upset. Angela told me off. She said kids love to have their faces made up. I said 'kids' not 'babies'. I took a wet wipe and began taking the make up off my daughter's face. She was not happy. I was not happy, either. How dared Angela do something to my daughter without even consulting me?

My daughter got fed up with me messing up with her face and said 'ase me!' (let me be!) I was so taken aback. My daughter had spoken after a long period of regression to babbling. I hugged and kissed her and showed her how happy I was she was once again communicating but she ran away from me. I began chasing her but the distance grew larger and larger. We were by the seaside, I was on top of the road, she was already on the beach. There were too many bathers and it was hard to keep visual track of her. I was shouting 'stop her! please somebody stop her!' One lady picked her up. I wanted to get closer but it was difficult to do so without jumping down the wooden staircase and I had my knees to consider even though at the time of the chase I did not feel the pain. I had the strongest feeling that my daughter did not want me, she did not love me.

Then I was in a strange place that looked like an ancient theatre only it was enclosed and darker and painted in vivid colours. I began my descend wondering if this is what Purgatory is like. I saw a couple of puppets dressed as priests. They were not exactly Christian Orthodox priests, more like a caricature of a priest and a transfaith caricature at that. I felt that I was going to meet the big man himself, the Pope(!) I saw some fish en croute being moved on a conveyor belt. People were mumbling. I wondered is this what happens when you die. You get covered with shortcrust pastry and then judged? Then I heard a voice comment: 'it does not matter how you end up, what matters is how you began.' Then I woke up shaken and broke into tears.

This nightmare came out of the blue. I wondered what did it mean about me and my daughter.

This is the second time I have dreamt we have been separated. The first time was months ago when I saw a lady stealing her pram and running away and I was unable to catch up. When I caught up with some ladies and prams every child that I thought was my daughter turned out to be similar but different till I no longer knew what my daughter looked like and had no hope of recovering her.

It is daytime now, the birds are tweeting outside, the trees are shimmering under the morning rays of the sun, their leaves dancing under the slightest breeze. I want to go collect our passports and then escape to the beach. I need to spend time alone with my daughter. The spirits at home are too excited and we are at self combustion point. Put heat and too many people together and you have an instantly explosive combination.

As for my diet, well I am eating less, but I am still feeling guilty and dissatisfied. I wish I could go back to eating 3/4 of a pot of yoghurt and feeling full... that would be my ideal. The thought that the lapband operation has not worked or the band itself is faulty won't leave my mind. The only thing that can alleviate this thought is if I weigh myself Monday and find that I have lost say 3 kilos. That will be good. But how will it happen if I am not hungry? How can it happen unless I suffer?

I am slowly drifting away from everything. Message boards, online friendships... won't even bother checking my mobile for messages any more as I know there won't be any. There is this great big void inside that nothing seems to fill and now that food is not an option, it has gotten harder to ignore.