A Tight Fit

Yesterday I wore tights for the first time! You see my daughter's dad was visiting so we were going out and I decided to make myself presentable. It took ages hunting for the bag of tights, then the shoes, then a blouse to match the skirt he had bought me for my birthday, but at last I got ready and the result was quite decent, even if I say so myself. It felt human to be dressed up in a fitted skirt and blouse, to wear tights and hush puppy type shoes instead of the Timberland 2-sizes bigger-so-they-will-fit shoes.

I also got to try on a blouse that I hadn't worn since 2000 - that is 6 years ago. The blouse is in pristine condition and felt so soft and luxurious against my skin. Mmm! There were lots of lovely clothes in the suitcase, packed away, forgotten but a look at N. told me this was no time to try them all on.

Shopping was good; tiring, but good. I had to cut down my expectations and just do the grocery shopping and post office and by the end I could hardly stand on my feet. My muscles were giving up on me, the soles of my feet were aching like hell... N. would not tell me the time fearing I would go off in one of my irrational and monumental strops, but I had a fair idea of what time it was and I was right. We had been on our feet for 3 hours!

We got home, I heated up some bean soup (cassoulet, according to a friend of mine who is well-versed in all things culinary) and we enjoyed it with some freshly baked bread. For seconds I had some pork belly that I grilled in the oven but it was an unhappy situation for me as it produced a massive series of PB and discomfort. So when evening came and N. made us a nice platter of pate, salad and toast, I was unable to eat. The good thing is that he understood and did not get upset but saved my plate for today, instead.

It was strange because I felt hungry, I wanted to eat but I had trouble swallowing even water. All of a sudden my gastric band felt like it had closed up. Eventually I managed to have a small portion of vanilla ice cream and that only because I felt I had to have something different to celebrate the only day that he was able to be with us during the holidays. Isn't it silly how we connect holidays/celebrations with food and drink?

Anyway... today I have an appointment with my orthopaedic consultant about the condition of my knees. I want him to see the X-rays I had in Greece in May that show that the damage is now complete and advise me regarding the future. As the appointment is in the afternoon, I hope to take it easy this morning and perhaps go for some more shopping to keep my activity levels up.

I look forward to coming home this evening and light up the Christmas tree that N. fished out of the attic. It is a pretty fibre optic tree with little stars stuck to the ends of the branches and gives the house a homely feel.

Here is a view of my weight loss progress with all its ups and downs so far. Not the ideal chart by any means.

http://uk.geocities.com/fairy_of_the_enchanted_forest/weightchart.htm

Tragic realisations

Today I had an appointment with the beautician for waxing and a body scrub/wrap/massage. It was the third step in a line designed to make me beautiful. (First I had a pedicure on Tuesday followed by a haircut. And today came the turn for the body treatments.)

As I was lying on the treatment bed, I was aware of a strand of hair on my left shoulder. I could see it out of the corner of my eye and it annoyed me no end as I was covered in sticky mud and crystals and did not want it getting to my hair. But no matter how much I tried to push it away, it would not budge. And then my vision cleared and I realised it was not a strand of hair but... a set of wrinkles where my upper arm has lost its bulk and the skin gathers in folds, just like an English bulldog's.

I felt so old! Old, undesirable, ashamed of my body and its condition... It will only get worse from now on. I don't know how I will cope with it psychologically. Already I have lost my libido. I have no desire for sex and sometimes I have no desire for closeness - not that I get much chance for any of them!

I sat on the toilet upstairs and cried. I seem to be doing a lot of crying lately. That is when I am not drawn into the world of Runescape, my favourite multi-player adventure game. As soon as I face reality, I find that I cannot cope. So of course I escape in any way I can.

Sometimes I like cooking. I get an idea for a dish and enjoy its execution. But the girls in the forum keep telling me I have to give up on cooking. They think I am too involved with food for my own good.

The beautician asked me whether I work. I don't. It is impossible to work and pay the huge fees for childminding. As for the au pair solution that has not worked. The girls simply come to your house to use you as a stepping stone and have no regard for the welfare of your child.

I told the beautician I would like to work from home. What can you do, she asked me. I can paint, I replied, thinking of the beautiful favour boxes I did for my daughter's christening which drew a lot of compliments. But then I realised that the house is so small and there is no way I could have my paints and tools out with the little one wanting to touch everything. It is not safe for her and it is not safe for my artwork. So of course that made me unhappy, again. It just seems I cannot do ANYTHING that I desire because of one reason or another.

I ran out of blood pressure medication today. I rang my doctor's surgery to request it and the receptionist was not helpful at all. So I am going without it for the entire weekend. Very dangerous. Then, as I was crying upstairs, I thought that maybe this is a way to die. Stop taking your pills till your heart or brain explodes.

So what else happened today? Ah, I heard from Chelmsford Council regarding my housing register application. It turns out photocopies of passports are not good (despite the fact the letter they had sent me requested exactly that!) So now I have to go down to Essex, 90 mins on the motorway to take the originals to them. But there is no point hurrying, as nothing will be done before the new year. Plus they want a medical report which has to be signed by my doctor. But they haven't sent me that form, yet. So on the housing front it is all grim. January 17th I am meant to be leaving this house and I have serious doubts there will be somewhere to move by then. Whatever it is, it is going to be terribly difficult, very expensive to sort out and soul destroying. My landlady will probably end up taking me to court to get an eviction.

I'll end this entry by saying it is all David's fault. He never should have left me. I am clearly unable to handle life on my own. I am stuck in a house all by my own, have no friends, no fun and it does not matter how bright or eloquent or well-mannered I am, I am just not enough or maybe not good enough.

Self-pity session over. It is just one more difficult night. It will pass.

A Natural High

Hello! :)

Do you want to hear something good for a change?

I am feeling high. The reason is that my surgeon came to see me today. He flew in and out of London just for me. Isn't that nice of him? He does care, after all! :)

Of course it's taken a very public email to make him act, but I was beyond myself with anger at the continuing PBs and lack of weight loss.

We had the chance to discuss my progress and he agreed that by now I should have lost about 30 kgs, not just 20. He said that some people do not do well with the gastric band. Some constitutions just have a bad reaction to it. And about 15% of the patients do not have a successful progress. Success, according to my surgeon, is losing 65-75% of your excess body weight in the first year. In my case that would be a minimum of 65 kgs. (Which only leaves me with 45 kgs to lose in the next 6 months if I am stubborn enough. LOL. Now let's see... 45 kgs / 6 = 7.5 kgs per month. Hmm.)

We talked about gastric by-pass (biliopancreatic by-pass). I am still not convinced that is the best way forward as it is drastic, it does affect your body in the sense that you no longer take the vitamins and minerals from your food naturally but have to rely on taking supplements for the rest of your life and of course hair loss is almost guaranteed with a by-pass.

I want to give the band another chance. I want to understand it better and make it work for me. I love a good challenge!

My theory is this: the band was too tight, causing many episodes of PB. Out of fear of malnutrition, I would eat after a PB, but not necessarily the best foods for me, only foods that were guaranteed to go down without problem. So this could be the reason I was not losing weight - or rather, losing it and putting it back on. Now that the surgeon has loosened the band a bit (he removed 0.5 ml), I should be able to eat fruit easier as well as meat, poultry or fish. I want to eat more raw salads, too, as I enjoy the texture and taste. Eating properly should kickstart my metabolism again. Well, at least I can try my theory out, can't I?

Also from today I started using the pedometer again. Today I made 4000 steps (311 calories) and that was mainly indoors and in the supermarket. I should aim to burn 750 calories a day but goodness me, that sounds an impossible feat! What is that? Nearly 10,000 steps?

My surgeon suggested I go on Xenical for 3 months to help myself but I still recall the oily patches I used to leave everywhere and the number of knickers that were beyond salvation. He also suggested I take a walk everyday (groan, groan! me? walk?) I guess I could do that by going to the shops. However, too much exercise is bad for my knees and hips and I must stop when I feel tired - doctor's orders! But surely there is a golden mean. I just have to find what it is that will work for me.

Will you join me with your best wishes for success? I really need this, not for beauty or anything vain, but to be able to walk easily and play with my little girl and be there for her.

Thank you doctor, thank you forum members who put up with me, thank you readers. :)